On Steinbeck...

Kara: Go read your book. Read your grapes. What's a wrath?

On movies...

...in the movie section at Target
Lisa: I wonder when the next Lord of the Rings comes out.
Jenna: Who cares- I know I'm not going to see it.

On safety measures...

Dad: Frickin' safety frickin' crap!

On sugar...

Dad: Oooh. Let's go stare at the desserts.

On groins...

Kara: This is my pimp walk.
Lisa: Funny, it looks like an 'I pulled my groin' walk.
Kara: I know what a groin is. There's two of 'em, right?

On sandwich toppings...

Kara: Know what I hate? Sauerkraut. Like when you guys eat R&Bs. I mean, BLTs.
Lisa: Actually, they're called reubens.
Jenna: I don't usually eat Rhythm and Blues.

On why I like you...

Lisa: I like you because you listen to me.
Jenna: You like me because I'm what?

On reversed roles...

Lisa: Aw, look. The student has become the teacher.
Jenna: Yup. I'm a sophomore.

On flashing lights...

[As we approach a flashing orange yield light]
Jenna: Why is that flashing? WHY ARE YOU FLASHING?!?!

On depth...

Jenna: But I can't tell... is it a sticker, or does it actually stick up from the car?
Lisa: I think it's a sticker, and it has the illusion of depth. You know, like you.
Jenna: Hey, thanks! Wait...

On good parenting...

[Mom accidently places hot food on Jenna's finger.]
Jenna: Ouch!
Mom: That was for revenge. Oh! I mean, oops!

On food titles...

Mom: Have a sweet potato, they're nature's perfect food.
Dad: The perfect food?
Mom: Yes.
Jenna: I thought that was the banana.
Mom: No, you're wrong.
Jenna: Are you sure? Oh, yeah. Bananas are nature's candy.
Lisa: No, that's raisins.
Mom: Jeez, Jenna. Get with it. Have a sweet potato.

On pet care...

Mom: Jenna, give the ferret some water.
Jenna: No!
Mom: Jenna, give her water... or give her death!

On personal hygiene...

Kara: Oh no! I have to shower tonight. I hate this time of week... it burns.

On parental support...

Dad: Yeah, Lis, that sounds like a good idea.
Mom: Jenna, how'd you do on your chemistry test?
Jenna: I got a C+.
Dad: What happened, stupid?

On smells...

Lisa: I can smell the dumb from here!

On hilarity...

Mom: ... and then they burst into wild laughter, the little monkey-idiots...

On threats...

Mom: Yeah, Kara. I'll take you to Pitaya, so- not. Man, I wish I thought before I talked.

On people...

Lisa: What kind of world do you live in where people aren't mean?
Kara: I just don't talk to people.

On loud music...

Dad: Turn it down! That music is so loud I can't even think!
Kara: Then don't think.

On soup...

Waitress to Kara: I'm sorry, we're out of soup.
Laura: Ha. She wanted soup... her whole world just fell apart.

On stinks...

Jenna: Oh, that reeks! I just got a woof of it!

On precognition...

Kara: Why do physics have to ask you your name?

On the Olympic Procession...

Jenna: Angola? Don't they make nice sweaters there?

On greetings...

Kara: Hey, Jenna- Chelby said "Hi, ugly." Well, she said hi. I added the 'ugly' part.

On late night phone calls...

Laura: Who is that? What, are they, dumb? I'm gonna answer, and be like, "Hey... dummies."

On curiousity...

Jessie: (to waitress) Can I have a question?

On nationality...

Kara: I wish I was Italian.
Lisa: You're not. You're Polish*.
Kara: The North Pole?

*Ukrainian is not Polish. I was kidding.

On lined paper...

Kara: Look how big these lines are! That's for the idiots.

On Mary-Kashley...

Kara: Can I get this video? They're my idols.
Lisa: No, definately not.
Kara: Just kidding. Crack's bad, and I know it.

On stomachs...

Kara: (to Laura) Eew! Your stomach is gross. It looks so unhappy.

On being a lady...

Laura: I did a whole lot of spittin' and fartin' while I was on that jet ski.

On nature...

Mom: You guys should get masks and swim by the shore, you can see- Ouch! HEY! SOME PEOPLE SHOULD WATCH WHERE THEY'RE THROWING THEIR NOODLES, BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE GET HIT IN THE HEAD WITH THEM!

On sharing cake...

Laura: The more for you, the skinnier for me!

On facewash...

Kara: It burns... with the passion... of six horses.

On fair play....

Kara: Stop it!
Laura: Okay, okay. Truce.
Kara: No. Don't touch me.
Laura: If you don't truce me, I'll do it again.
Kara: Okay. Fine. (truces)
Laura: Eh, I'll probably still do it again.

On dancing...

Laura: I'm sorry, but if you've been doing dance for two years and you still can't count the music... its time to start playing softball.

On sunscreen...

Alex Trebek: This element is added to sunscreen as the major protective agent.
Laura: SPF!

On florists...

TV: Well, my dad's a florist!
Jenna: Well, my uncle's a florist!
Kara: (blank stare)
Jenna: What? Uncle Ricky's a florist!
Kara: Oh. I thought florists were people who put in floors.

On abbreviations...

Jenna: Wanna get Taco Bell? Do you like it?
Lisa: Yeah, it's dece.
(pause)
Jenna: Two?

On candy dangers...

Kara: Who was that guy in Tommy Boy? The one who acted like Jack Black?
Lisa: Chris Farley.
Kara: He's dead, right? How'd he die?
Lisa: An overdose.
Kara: Drugs?
Lisa: No, candy.
Kara: (solemnly) Candy kills.

On that David Duchovny song...

Mom: Ooh! I know this one! This is that David Doo-glimee one!

On nudity...

Laura: Last night a daddy-long legs saw me naked.

On Carol Burnett...

Laura: Why does she do that?
Mom: She wiggles her ear to let her mother know everything's all right. Everyone knows that.
Lisa: I thought it was her grandmother.
Dad: She pulls her ear to let her grandmother know she's all right.
Mom: Oh.

On computer icons...

Kara: Is the internet icon an e or an i?
Jenna: It's an e for internet, stupid.

On dog toys...

Jenna: We should get one of those indestructible toys for Macks. Then we'd give it to him and he'd destruct it.
Lisa: Destroy it?
Jenna: Shut up.

On drinking...

Lisa: I brought this Peach Schnapps home from Cambridge... you guys want to try it?
[Everyone passes the bottle around, taking a tiny taste]
Kara: I don't want any.
Mom: It's okay, Kara. You can try it.
Everyone: Yeah, Kara, just try a little bit.
Kara: Ok.
[Kara takes a sip.]
Kara: Oh no!
Everyone: What?
Kara: I'm in D.A.R.E.!

On fish...

(While tubing)
Jenna: Mom! A fish just jumped by the tube!
Mom: Well grab it, Jenna.

On quick comebacks...

Jenna: What's wrong with you?
Kara: Same thing that's wrong with you, but more. [pause] Oh, wait.

On flava...

Jenna: Laura, you're weird.
Laura: You're just jealous you ain't got the reggae flava in your bones.

On dinner...

Kara: I hate social studies.
Mom: Well, that's why we're having tacos for dinner.

On broken bones...

Laura: Hi Dad, how are you feeling?
Dad: Ok.
Laura: Can I get you anything?
Dad: Yeah, a new nose.
{Laura exits room}
Dad: Who was that?
Jenna: Laura.

On being polite...

Dad (ending a joke): ...so he says, "Yeah- It's not my cell phone!"
Lisa: Ha, funny. But you know Laura said the ending about one line into your joke?
Dad: She did? The jerk. I'm gonna ruin the next story you try to tell.
Laura: So I was at school and I was about to-
Dad: Laura's a retard!!!! Ha.

On shopping...

Laura: "Out of control purchase!" {Hits Jenna with shopping bag}
Jenna: (Blank stare.)

On homework...

Jenna: What if it's divided by x, like two divided by x?
Laura: Then it's two over x. Two divided by x, you moron.

On swearing...

Mom: Kara, you're only allowed to use the 'a' word when you're referring to a donkey.
Kara: Okay, okay. Mom, you remind me of a donkey's ass.

On normalcy...

Laura: Do you think you're weird, or all of us are just excessively normal?
Mom: I think I'm nice.

On life ambitions...

Jenna: That's not fair! I wanted that!
Laura: Jenna, you don't always get what you want in life.
Lisa (motioning towards Jenna): Yeah. Or some of us might be dalmatians now.

On what kinda girl you are...

Laura: I'm not an 'Honorable Mention' kinda girl. I'm a 'First Place' kinda girl!
Lisa: What's that, JV?

On animal carriers...

Laura (pointing to a small treasure chest): Do you think Madi would fit in here?
Lisa: No. Not whole, anyway.

On toy names...

Jenna: Oh, look! It's a Hop-It? Jump-It? Skip-It? Skip-It!

On games...

Kara: Aw, I felt like we were that game! Tetris.

On digestion...

Jenna: I was over at my friend's house, and my stomach kept doing that! And they were like, "Are you hungry?" and I was like, "No! I'm just gidesting."

On profanity...

Lisa: Would you rather be a marine with scant bladder control or a chess grandmaster with Tourette's syndrome?
Jenna: What's Tourette's?
Lisa: Random bouts of swearing.
Jenna: Oh, then the second one. I'd rather swear than pee.

On choices...

Lisa: Would you rather fight Mike Tyson, or talk like him?
Jenna: I don't know.
Kara: I'd talk like him. What? I like his accent.

On extracurriculars...

Laura: (sarcastically, while holding Kara's basketball jersey) Look everyone. I'm a basketball player. Woo.
Kara: No, Laura. You're the dancer.

On Shakespeare...

Kara: To be, or to not to be.
Lisa: That is not the question.
Dad: Hey, Kara. Who wrote that?
Kara: Hamlet. You can ask me anything. I'm practically genius.

On math quizzes...

Kara: I got a 100% on my math quiz today!
Dad: What was it over?
Kara: Um, rascals...
Lisa: Ratios?
Kara: Yeah, those. And Porpors.
Jenna: Proportions?
Kara: Uh-huh.

On helping out...

Mom: Laura, I'm telling you for the last time. Get out there and help me bring in groceries!
Laura: All right! I'll go. But I'm pretendin' I lost both my arms in 'Nam.

On personal attributes...

Mom: Kara, you're just a brat.
Lisa: Come on, Mom. She's not just a brat. She's short and ugly, too.

On alternative lifestyles...

Mom: So I'm standing there, and I'm thinking, 'This is a transvestite. This is what I'm looking at.'

On flowers...

Laura: Who'd want those? They smell terrible! [pause] Aw, who'm I kidding. They smell great!

On saying no to drugs...

Mom: Okay, Kara. Give me four ways to say No to drugs.
Kara: Just say no, cold shoulder, reverse the pressure, or... just try 'em.

On spelling...

[after a conversation about how Chihuahua doeesn't look like it's pronounced]
Jessie: Yeah, just like 'Hors d'Oeuvres.'
Kara: And 'buffet!'
Jessie: (sarcastically) Uh, yeah. Cuz it's got that tricky hidden letter.
Kara: (seriously) Yeah. F.

On leg exercises...

Dad: Know how to make them even harder? Stand on a 2 x 4.
Kara: A 2 x 4? What's that?
Dad: A piece of wood.
Kara: Oh. I thought it was some kind of vehicle.
Dad: No. That's a 4 x 4.