On games...

Mom tries to interpret an emoji text from Laura.

Mom: This is like that game. Radio.

Laura: Nope. Telephone.

On bitchery...

Watching My Fair Wedding and being bitchy.

Laura: Her bridesmaids look like gang members. They're all tatted up and beefy. 

Laura: Ugh. Wishing you a lifetime of bullshit.

Laura: I hate her and I hate that she's getting cute things. I want her to have a trash bag wedding.

On hinders...

Kara turns to leave.Laura: Oh, Kara you have a hole in your butt.
Kara: I do?
Laura: Yes. Everyone does.
Kara: You're an asshole.
Laura: That's what I'm talking about!

On eggs...

Dad: Laura is the worst person to cook eggs for.
Laura, in a sing-song voice: High standards? Or picky?
Dad, in a sing-song voice: Or pain in the ass?

On accents...

Lisa speaks in a questionable British accent.
Silence.
Lisa: Sorry. I'm not sure what that accent was.
Laura: Yeah, it went in and out.
Lisa: It was a medley.

On fiestas...

Laura: I hate that it's a Mexican reception.
Lisa: I think you mean recepción.

On Olympic silliness...

Laura: Isn't it kind of silly that people do this? The Olympics and fireworks and whatnot?
Lisa: Isn't it weird that humans can't just do nice fun stuff like this and making great movies and being nice instead of having wars and stuff like that?
Laura: No, because we don't agree. And we have to prove we're right by killing them.

On Olympic torch semantics...

Laura: Is that it? Is that going to light something else?
Kara: No, that's the torch.
Laura: Because it looks like a bunch of sticks on fire.
Kara: What do you think a torch is?
Laura: ONE stick on fire.

On Olympic joy...

Laura, to the Queen: Smile, geez!
All exclaim.
Kara: She can't! Long pause. She's too old!

On athletic bodily functions...

Laura: Did you ever see that video where the weightlifter lifts the weight up and then projectile vomits?
Lisa: No, but I've seen the picture where some weightlifter has diarrhea.
Laura: I've seen that picture.
Lisa: Well that's not going to happen during the Color Run tomorrow. Brown is NOT one of the included colors.
Laura: Hey, Color RUN. RUNS. Geddit?

On Olympic hair...

Laura outlines Kate Middleton's supposed daily hair regimen.
Nick: Well, she lives a pretty terrible life if that's all she does.
Laura: Says you.

On Olympic emotions...

Olympic commercial with children as athletes.
Laura: Because that's how the parents see the atheletes. Right, parents in the room? Right? Can I get a single tear down the cheek?
Dad turns slowly and looks at Laura.
Laura: I think Dad hates me.

On Olympic differences...

Laura: Isn't it too bad that in some countries, everyone is beautiful and other countries are... Tajikistan?

On career choices...

Laura: Jenna's going to be an ultrasound tech. Kara's going to be a PA. I... teach dance. I shake my booty-bottom.

On Olympic flames...

Mom: I think Beckham's going to kick a lit soccer ball through the torch hole.
Laura: I think you need to shut your torch hole.

On British classes...

Lisa: Kara said we could go to her classes. I think that sounds fun.
Laura: Well we don't. I want to be somewhere else. Eating.

On time...

Mom: How long does it take for you to get ready?

Laura: Um, four hours.

Mom: Well take five so you look good.

On exports...

Laura: What's with all the Mormon billboards in Indy? "I'm a Mormon!" "I'm a Mormon!"

Mom: We grow them. Like crops. 

Laura: Ah yes. The two exports of Indiana, corn and Mormons. Cormans.

On drool...

Noah is blowing raspberries at Myla.
Laura: Be careful, you're spitting on her. She doesn't like spit.
Noah: Yes she does. She drools all the time.

On flocks...

Laura, getting in hot tub: Aah! I've got goosebumps in places I didn't even know I had geese!