On space...

Mom: I got pants that say "Colts" on the rear.
Dad: Does it say "Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: No, you ass. There wasn't room for-
Dad: "The Indianapolis Colts?" "2006 World Champion Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: I hate-
Jenna: It has the roster too.
Mom: ...you idiots.

On eggs...

Dad: Laura is the worst person to cook eggs for.
Laura, in a sing-song voice: High standards? Or picky?
Dad, in a sing-song voice: Or pain in the ass?

On grossness...

Jenna: Ugh, my toenail is all scraggly.
Dad: Ew, Jenna. TMI.
Jenna: That's TMI? Oh, I could tell you way more gross things about myself.

On beeps...

Dad: What is that NOISE?

Kara: My phone when I get a text. And I obviously can't turn it off cause I can't turn off my popularity, Rick!

On legalities...

Kara pulls a bottle of wine out of the fridge.

Dad: You’re not 21!
Kara: Dad! I”m twenty. And I’m smart. (quietly) Can someone open this for me?

On propaganda...

Laura: Female dogs are smarter. I read that somewhere.

Dad: That's propaganda. 

Laura: By who? 

Dad: Female dogs.

On sports terminology...

Laura: She's like the dog fight referee - she's even wearing stripes! "I want a clean fight, nothing above the waist."

Dad: Below the waist. 

Laura: Oh yeah.

On contracts...

Dad is home from work and Mom is sitting on the couch reading the paper.
Dad: The kids are right! You don't do anything!
Mom: Oh yeah, didn't I tell you? I get snow days.

On tolerance...

Dad, Jenna and Laura are watching a movie with Nazis. Misty is barking at the TV, and getting sprayed with a mister to get her to stop.
Dad: Man, Misty really hates Nazis.
Laura: Can't spray her for that.

On potential...

Dad: If it weren't for me, this whole family would be a smoking crater.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSIE!

On Bad Days...

Dad: What's the phrase? FOL? F my L?
Laura: FML!
Dad: FML. Squared!

On hoarding...

Mom: Rick, don't throw away these almond containers! I keep these!
Dad: Oh, sorry.
Lisa: Dad, if you throw all her stuff away she'll never get to be on Hoarders.
Mom: Yeah!

On eating...

Jenna: Yeah, the outsides are brown but the middle will be all raw and gloppy.
Dad: Well I can eat the middle then.
Jenna: Dad, I'm not worried. You eat anything.

On Fringe...

Mom: Well, why wouldn't William Bell want to meet with him one of these episodes?
Dad: He's in an alternate universe.
Mom: Oh, don't give me that crap.

On language...

Laura: That bastard!
Dad: Laura! Watch your mouth, you jackass!

On colored liquids...

During the new Star Trek movie...

Laura: What is red material?
Dad, immediately: It's Bad Shit! I was hoping someone would ask me that.

On Spock's mother...

During the new Star Trek movie...
A little background for these next few quotes - Dad really likes Star Trek. Mom really doesn't.

Mom: Oh - sucks to be her.
Dad: It's his mom.
Mom: Oh, sorry. I hate to be insensitive at a time like this.

On hunger...

Dad: No food for you.
Laura: I'm picking it up!
Dad: Still.
Laura: I'll park and eat everyone's.

On changes...

Lisa: This is a race now.
Laura: Yeah, kick their ass!
Dad: Laura!
Laura: What? Dad, we cuss now.
Dad: Yeah my kids swear and mother buys wine for college kids.

On rights...

Mom: If we switch cars they're gonna make me sit in the back! I don't want to sit in the back!
Dad: You're the adult. You get to pick.
Mom: Thank you!