On words...

Jessie: I hate when ribs are too fatty, then it's like, bouncy when you eat them.
Lisa: Bouncy?
Jessie: Yeah, bouncy.
Jenna: It's lobulated.
Jessie: Yeah! Lobulated! You sound smarter than me.

On habits...

Jessie: Why do you keep reading [annoying girl's] blog?
Laura: I don't know. It comes up on Reader and I think, "Agh what is this son of a bitch up to?"

On weight...

Jessie: my legs are huge and fat
Adam: Yeah.
Jessie: What did I just say?
Adam: something about your legs?
Adam gets slapped in the arm.

On dreams...

Noah: Mommy, in my dream you gave me a sucker and when I woke up, I didn't have it anymore! Why does that happen?
Jessie: Because dreams aren't real, it's just what you're thinking when you're sleeping.
Noah: Oh. So if I close my eyes more, can I eat it?

On mysteries...

Jessie: Don't boys lift the seats? 

Laura: Don't ask me, you're married to one, I've never even talked to one

On measuring up...

Mom is standing next to Jessie, who is wearing heels.
Mom: I only come up to Jessie's boob! 
Jessie: Lucky you.

On gifts...

Jessie: You returned everything I got you.
Laura: You want to dress me like a Duggar.

On learning...

Jessie: Where's Noah?

Laura: She went to go see what Grammy's doing. 

Lisa: Isn't Grammy in the shower? 

Laura: Eh, I sent her up there.

On road trips...

Noah: Are we there?
Laura: No, Noah.
Jessie: Do you remember when we went to Florida and we were in the car for a really really long time?
Noah: Yeah...
Laura: This is just like Florida. But the payoff isn't nearly as good.

On joining in...

Two cars ahead of us are swerving around and driving badly.
Mom: Oh! Look! Road rage!
Jessie: Well then slow down and let them get around you!
Mom: No! I want to be a part of it!

On flatulence...

Jessie and Noah sitting outside on hammock. Noah farts. Thirty seconds pass.
Noah: Mommy, did you fart?
Jessie: NO! You did!
Noah: I did?
Jessie: Yeah.
Noah: I did.

On suction cup glass markers...

Mom: They like to stick to a glass with alcohol in it.
Jessie: Yeah, who doesn't?

On performance...

Jessie: You're fired. Get away from my children.
Mom: Oh, I've been fired so many times I don't even hear the words anymore.

On junk...

Jessie: I like showing off my junk when I work out.
Mom: My seam moves around.
Jessie: That means your junk is lopsided.
Mom: My junk is straight on! Rick, they're talking about my junk! And they're not being very nice about it!

On adding a sibling...

Jessie: Noah, should Mommy and Daddy have another baby?
Noah: No, that would be awful.
Jessie: Noah! Don't say that, it would be fun! Remember how tiny Jocelyn was and how you could hold her and she just slept all the time...
Noah: Ok, fine. Go ahead and do it.

On dinner...

Lisa: Noah, what do you want for dinner?
Noah: French fries.
Jessie: Shocker.
Noah: Don't shock me! I'm a friend!

On substitutions...

Jessie: Adam, did you bring in the girls' cups?
Adam: No, but I brought in the pack and play. Does that get me off the hook?

On habits...

Jessie: Mom just stabbed me in the boob with a fork!
Jenna: She does that.

On mixology...

Mom: Whiskey sours! Remember? You put it in the blender. A can of whiskey, a can of...
Jessie: Sour?

On legible fashion...

Jenna: What does Noah's shirt say!?
Jessie: Snugglebug.
Jenna: So cute!
Laura: I have a shirt that says that.
Lisa: Yeah, but it's creepy when you wear it.