On Carol Burnett...

Laura: Why does she do that?
Mom: She wiggles her ear to let her mother know everything's all right. Everyone knows that.
Lisa: I thought it was her grandmother.
Dad: She pulls her ear to let her grandmother know she's all right.
Mom: Oh.

On computer icons...

Kara: Is the internet icon an e or an i?
Jenna: It's an e for internet, stupid.

On dog toys...

Jenna: We should get one of those indestructible toys for Macks. Then we'd give it to him and he'd destruct it.
Lisa: Destroy it?
Jenna: Shut up.

On drinking...

Lisa: I brought this Peach Schnapps home from Cambridge... you guys want to try it?
[Everyone passes the bottle around, taking a tiny taste]
Kara: I don't want any.
Mom: It's okay, Kara. You can try it.
Everyone: Yeah, Kara, just try a little bit.
Kara: Ok.
[Kara takes a sip.]
Kara: Oh no!
Everyone: What?
Kara: I'm in D.A.R.E.!

On fish...

(While tubing)
Jenna: Mom! A fish just jumped by the tube!
Mom: Well grab it, Jenna.

On quick comebacks...

Jenna: What's wrong with you?
Kara: Same thing that's wrong with you, but more. [pause] Oh, wait.

On flava...

Jenna: Laura, you're weird.
Laura: You're just jealous you ain't got the reggae flava in your bones.

On dinner...

Kara: I hate social studies.
Mom: Well, that's why we're having tacos for dinner.

On broken bones...

Laura: Hi Dad, how are you feeling?
Dad: Ok.
Laura: Can I get you anything?
Dad: Yeah, a new nose.
{Laura exits room}
Dad: Who was that?
Jenna: Laura.

On being polite...

Dad (ending a joke): ...so he says, "Yeah- It's not my cell phone!"
Lisa: Ha, funny. But you know Laura said the ending about one line into your joke?
Dad: She did? The jerk. I'm gonna ruin the next story you try to tell.
Laura: So I was at school and I was about to-
Dad: Laura's a retard!!!! Ha.

On shopping...

Laura: "Out of control purchase!" {Hits Jenna with shopping bag}
Jenna: (Blank stare.)

On homework...

Jenna: What if it's divided by x, like two divided by x?
Laura: Then it's two over x. Two divided by x, you moron.

On swearing...

Mom: Kara, you're only allowed to use the 'a' word when you're referring to a donkey.
Kara: Okay, okay. Mom, you remind me of a donkey's ass.

On normalcy...

Laura: Do you think you're weird, or all of us are just excessively normal?
Mom: I think I'm nice.

On life ambitions...

Jenna: That's not fair! I wanted that!
Laura: Jenna, you don't always get what you want in life.
Lisa (motioning towards Jenna): Yeah. Or some of us might be dalmatians now.

On what kinda girl you are...

Laura: I'm not an 'Honorable Mention' kinda girl. I'm a 'First Place' kinda girl!
Lisa: What's that, JV?

On animal carriers...

Laura (pointing to a small treasure chest): Do you think Madi would fit in here?
Lisa: No. Not whole, anyway.

On toy names...

Jenna: Oh, look! It's a Hop-It? Jump-It? Skip-It? Skip-It!