On church...

Mom: Man, we just came outta church and I hate everybody. Oh- sorry. Pray for me.

On eew...

Mom: Wow! Look at this long hair that I just pulled out of my foot!

On super powers...

Mom: Who did I look like just then?
Jessie: Uh, Spiderman?
Mom: Yes. Although it would be very ironic if I was Spiderman. Because I hate spiders.
Lisa: And also because you're a woman.
Mom: That too. And I can tell you one thing, I wouldn't be flying around the city like he was in that movie if I knew my web was gonna run out. That was just stupid. I tell ya what I'd do, I'd just stay safe in my laundry room. Doin' laundry. And fft! hanging up clothes on webs. Fft! Hang. Fft! Hang. And Rick would come home, and say "Hey! I can't get in the house! The room is full of webs! And clothes." And I'd be like, "Hello! Yes, because I'm Spiderman, and I'm doing laundry!" Fft!

On blatant lies...

Jenna: How long is the Tour de France?
Kara: I don't know.
Jenna: I know, I wasn't asking you.
Kara: It's one hundred and four miles. [loud stage whisper] That's not true. I just wanna see how it will play out.

On classic stories...

Jenna: It's like one of those trees from The Thorax!
Lisa: Uh, The Lorax?