On prenatal puppies...

Mom: It's a party in the uterine horn!

On shopping...

Lisa: If I buy one online, I'm not coming with you.
Jenna: Then don't look online!
Laura: Distract her! Flash your boobs!
Jenna: Look down my shirt! I can't flash you because my sports bra is too tight!

On a safe Black Friday...

Mom: Drive carefully. Every nut will be out there, but they're usually not drinking. They're just women.

On peeking...

Kara: I saw who you have. You have me.
Lisa: Well stop looking! What are you looking at me opening the paper for?!
Kara: I'm done opening mine and I have nothing else to look at.

On parental support...

Dad: What a bunch of retards.
Mom: You are all retards. All of you.

On difficulties...

Laura: Dad just said "the odds are against you." Yeah, well so are your children.

On sleeping terminology...

Kara: I gotta go hit the haystacks.
Laura: It's hit the haystack.
Lisa: It's hit the hay or hit the sack.

On the thought that counts...

Jenna: It just scarred me when I bought you the Caboodle and you hated it.
Laura: Well why'd you buy me a Caboodle, you frickin' retard?

On being a ladies man...

Adam: Story of my life - kissin' women and they don't like it.