On ungodly stenches...

Someone who shall remain nameless fouled up the bathroom then sprayed Febreeze Hawaiian Aloha spray.
Lisa: All the flowers in Hawaii could not cover up what you did in there.

On emissions...

Moo climbs onto Laura's lap and then burps in her face.
Laura: Eew, what was that? 
Lisa: She burped at you.
Laura: Well, a burp's better than a fart. Unless you're kissin'. Then they're both bad.

On musicals...

We have tricked Mom into watching Inception by telling her it is a musical.
About forty-five minutes in:
Mom: Wait a minute, I thought you said this was a musical?
Laura: It is a musical. All the songs are at the end.
Lisa: And Laura and I sing them.

On propaganda...

Laura: Female dogs are smarter. I read that somewhere.

Dad: That's propaganda. 

Laura: By who? 

Dad: Female dogs.

On logic...

Jenna: When was Azazel [the ferret] dying? 
Laura: Right before she died.

On museums...

Lisa: The Children's Museum is bullshit because there's little kids running everywhere and you can't play like you want to.

On schedules...

Laura: Here's what I thought my night would look like from here: hot tub, pie, milk, regret eating pie, go to bed.

On mysteries...

Jessie: Don't boys lift the seats? 

Laura: Don't ask me, you're married to one, I've never even talked to one

On difficulty...

Kara's dancing.

Kara: Laura how hard is this? 

Laura: To watch?

On measuring up...

Mom is standing next to Jessie, who is wearing heels.
Mom: I only come up to Jessie's boob! 
Jessie: Lucky you.

On Alice in Wonderland...

Mom: It's like they were into girls with long narrow faces in this movie.

On gifts...

Jessie: You returned everything I got you.
Laura: You want to dress me like a Duggar.

On tenses...

Laura got up at noon and is going to bed at midnight. Lisa is questioning this practice.

Lisa: You're going to bed? 

Laura: Yes. 

Lisa: Even though you slept till-

Laura: Now? 

Lisa: What? 

Laura: Now, but twelve hours ago. 

Lisa: That's not what now means

On constructive criticism...

Mom: Let's critique the people across from us. Jenna, no mascara today?

On desserts...

Mom: We also have little succulent brownie squares.

Laura: Ew, don't use that word.

Lisa: Those brownies come from a bag in the fridge.

On peds...

Laura: Let's take your scabby legs to get a pedicure.

Lisa: Yeah, you're like a leper.

Mom: No I am not!

Laura: Yes, why do you think the pedicure ladies put on gloves and say (Laura makes concerned Chinese-sounding noises.)

On bake timers...

Laura: Ding! Pies are done.

Mom: No, it's the forty-five min check to see if it's burning. 

Lisa: You have a weird way of cooking

On learning...

Jessie: Where's Noah?

Laura: She went to go see what Grammy's doing. 

Lisa: Isn't Grammy in the shower? 

Laura: Eh, I sent her up there.

On sports terminology...

Laura: She's like the dog fight referee - she's even wearing stripes! "I want a clean fight, nothing above the waist."

Dad: Below the waist. 

Laura: Oh yeah.

On threats...

Laura: If you wake me up for the parade, I will cut off your heels. 

Mom: They'll just grow back, sharper than ever!

On sleeping...

Jenna: That's the scariest place in the house at night.
Lisa: But my room's in the basement. I sleep down there.
Jenna: I could never do it. I don't know how you do. I fear for your life down there... I pray for you every night.

On superior yellow carbs...

Laura: I'm making jalapeño cornbread to go with dinner tomorrow.
Lisa: Come on, I was gonna make cheesy cornbread.
Laura, solemnly: Battle of the cornbreads.

On gross...

Laura lifts her arm and inspects her armpit.
Laura: Hey, want to hear something gross?
Lisa: Does it have anything to do with your armpit?
Laura: Yes, it has to do with my armpit.

On road trips...

Noah: Are we there?
Laura: No, Noah.
Jessie: Do you remember when we went to Florida and we were in the car for a really really long time?
Noah: Yeah...
Laura: This is just like Florida. But the payoff isn't nearly as good.

On topics of conversation...

Laura, Kara, Jenna and Jessie are talking.
Mom: Okay, okay, okay. Let's talk about me and how good my hair looks.

On contracts...

Dad is home from work and Mom is sitting on the couch reading the paper.
Dad: The kids are right! You don't do anything!
Mom: Oh yeah, didn't I tell you? I get snow days.

On tolerance...

Dad, Jenna and Laura are watching a movie with Nazis. Misty is barking at the TV, and getting sprayed with a mister to get her to stop.
Dad: Man, Misty really hates Nazis.
Laura: Can't spray her for that.

On promises...

Kara: Mom where'd you get that rose ring?
Mom: Dad gave it to me in high school.
Kara: So it's a promise ring?
Mom: No. Other people thought it was a promise ring, everyone asked if it was a promise ring, but no. He said it was NOT a promise ring.

On directions...

GPS said "In 0.4 miles, take ramp right."
Mom, screaming: No, bitch!

On joining in...

Two cars ahead of us are swerving around and driving badly.
Mom: Oh! Look! Road rage!
Jessie: Well then slow down and let them get around you!
Mom: No! I want to be a part of it!

On appearances...

Laura: What is your job, exactly?
Lisa: I'm a neuromuscular genetic counselor.
Laura: Oh. I told someone the other day it was oncology. I knew that was wrong, but I wanted to sound smart.

On sucrose...

Noah: Cookies aren't good for your body!
Laura: Yes they are!
Noah: No they are not!
Laura: They help your hair grow! Look how long my hair is! I eat cookies all the time!

On degenerating conversation...

Mom: Rick! I don't like the new toilet stuff I bought. I usually buy blue, but this time I bought green. I don't like green. I should have bought the blue one.
Laura: So is this what you guys talk about now?

On skillz...

Mom: Try that macaroni and cheese - I made it from scratch.
Laura: Where'd you get the recipe?
Mom: Martha Stewart.
Laura: Ooh. She is one talented bitch.

On ideas...

After a Toyota commercial where a truck drives through fire.


Mom: What was the point of that? Who drives through fire?
Laura: I will, now.

On going green...

Mom: Ugh! All this "going green" crap. Makes me want to go cut down a tree!

On dog breeds...

Mom: Misty had her puppy class yesterday and let me tell you something, west highland terriers are ugly as crap.

On greetings...

Adam calls Jessie's phone, but she's busy. Kara answers. 
Kara: Hi. It's Kara. Don't say anything weird.

On nutritional history...

After watching a Frito Bandito commercial on YouTube.
Mom:  But they don't tell you how bad Fritos are. I remember no talk of how fatening things were.
Kara: We know, Mom. We know.

On internet fame...

Mom: Don't put me on YouTube. I don't want to be there.

On wardrobe acquisition...

Kara: I don't know where I got the shirt. Maybe from Jenna?
Lisa: Well if you got it from Jenna, there's no telling. She probably picked it up off the floor after some guy left it in her room.

On Spoonerisms...

Jenna is describing a book.
Jenna: ...and they didn't have a coroner, so they were waiting for the Peace of Justice.

On potential...

Dad: If it weren't for me, this whole family would be a smoking crater.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSIE!

On barfing...

Misty barfs.
Jenna: Ugh! I just saw it pour out of her face like a faucet!

On whoredom...

Lisa: Everyone knows dance team girls are whores.
Mom: Lisa!
Laura: They are.
Mom: Stop it!
Laura: They are!
Mom: Laura!
Laura: I am.

On intent...

Mom: Jenna left her fish home and told me not to kill him. But I will.

On flatulence...

Jessie and Noah sitting outside on hammock. Noah farts. Thirty seconds pass.
Noah: Mommy, did you fart?
Jessie: NO! You did!
Noah: I did?
Jessie: Yeah.
Noah: I did.

On Bad Days...

Dad: What's the phrase? FOL? F my L?
Laura: FML!
Dad: FML. Squared!

On timing meals...

At 9:00 am:
Noah: Daddy, can I have some candy after lunch?
Adam: Yes, Noah. After lunch.
Pause.
Noah: Daddy? Can you make my lunch now?

On Phonics...

Mom: It should be "Ex-Zavier"
Laura: So you're saying it should also be "Ex-Zylophone"?
Mom: Oh I don't like that word. And I don't like the thing. It doesn't have to be a part of my life.

On Vocabulary...

Jenna: . . . and it was pendulating.
Laura: You mean 'undulating'?
Jenna: WHAT?! Is that even a word?
Kara: She didn't mean undulating. I've never even heard that before.
Jenna: I know, right? I meant pendulating.
Kara: Oh. Like a pendulum!
Jenna: I'm on track with that.

On Driving...

Kara: Ugh. I can't even tell where the road is. I really need to start wearing glasses at night when I drive.
Laura: Wow. That's really comforting as I'm sitting shotgun. In my own car. FML.

On priorities...

Kara: Did you see the last episode of Grey's?
Lisa: Yeah, I liked it more than usual. It was more about interesting medical stuff than the doctors trying to find someone on staff they haven't slept with yet.
Kara: Oh. I think we watch that show for different reasons.

On hoarding...

Mom: Rick, don't throw away these almond containers! I keep these!
Dad: Oh, sorry.
Lisa: Dad, if you throw all her stuff away she'll never get to be on Hoarders.
Mom: Yeah!

On child development...

Lisa: What if instead of the Easter Bunny, you told kids that there was an Easter Monkey? It'd be so easy to mess kids up.

On eating...

Jenna: Yeah, the outsides are brown but the middle will be all raw and gloppy.
Dad: Well I can eat the middle then.
Jenna: Dad, I'm not worried. You eat anything.

On superhero origins...

Mom: When does he go outside and get his parents killed?
Jenna: What?
Lisa: This is Spiderman. His parents died before the first movie... you're thinking of Batman.
Jenna: HA!
Mom: What?

On Chuck...

Mom, as she leaves the room: Well, this looks like a dumb show. Enjoy.

On lookalikes...

Mom: Is she from the three little car movie?
Lisa: The three little car movie?
Mom: Yeah, with the three little cars.
Lisa: The Italian job?
Mom: Yeah!
Lisa: No.

On Wow-Wear...

Lisa: Ugh! Stop saying Wow-Wear!
Laura: I'm gonna wear Wow-Wear on my wedding day. And on my wedding night.

On hybrids...

Jenna: She looks like a stripper crossed with a ballerina.
Lisa: Stripperina.
Laura: Balleripper.

On resemblances...

Lisa: Ugh! She looks like a Duggar with makeup.
Kara: What's a Duggar?

On chatter...

Kara: This one sucks. I mean it's awesome, but I've already seen it. What else is on? Is that Four Weddings show on? I'm going to bed soon.
Lisa: Shut up!

On giving...

Kara: So ladies, want to donate to my Red Cross cause?
Laura: I'll give you a high five. Or a pat on the back. Or a smack on the butt.
Jenna: I'll match that.

On specifics...

Laura: That girl is UGLY.
Lisa: Yes.
Kara: We are bitches.
Pause.
Jenna: I'm trying to figure out what part of her face makes her so ugly.
Laura: I think it's the whole combination.

On options...

Kara: I need new bras. One of them is ripped and falling apart, and one of them is... the other one.

On ambient music...

Mom: Where do you even get music like this?
Laura: Just go to Australia and hit record.

On projectiles...

Kara: Hey Lisa, can you grab me mom's nail file from that top draw- oh! I just got hit in the face with one of my toenails!

On wedding television...

Laura: She looks really pretty. And she's the ugly one.
Laura continues talking.
Jenna, to Kara: That's what we'll be saying at her wedding.

On loyalty...

Laura: Jenna - switch seats with me so you and Lisa can share the dessert.
Jenna: Or I can stay here and have a little of everything. I don't wanna commit to just one dessert.
Laura: Don't ever get married.

On suction cup glass markers...

Mom: They like to stick to a glass with alcohol in it.
Jessie: Yeah, who doesn't?

On performance...

Jessie: You're fired. Get away from my children.
Mom: Oh, I've been fired so many times I don't even hear the words anymore.

On misdirection...

Mom tried to direct Grandma to a recipe website, but left out a hyphen which apparently led to some sort of adult entertainment website.
Mom: She didn't see any chocolate muffins.
Lisa: You'd see a different kind of chocolate muffins on that kind of site.
Mom: Well, I just sent my parents to a porn site. That's. Just. Great.

On junk...

Jessie: I like showing off my junk when I work out.
Mom: My seam moves around.
Jessie: That means your junk is lopsided.
Mom: My junk is straight on! Rick, they're talking about my junk! And they're not being very nice about it!

On technology...

Mom: Lisa, are you tagging your twitter to post and flicker... nevermind. You look confused. This is clearly over your head.

On desertion...

Mom: Hey, where is everybody going?
Jenna: Mom, I'm right here.
(Pause.)
Mom: Hey, where are all the good people going? 

On drinking ages...

Mom: Ooh! Ooh! Jocelyn's got rum!

On changing allegiences...

Kara: Noah, that baby used to be mine. Her name was Nicole.
Noah: Kara. Hey, Kara. She doesn't like you.
Kara: I raised her!

On fashion...

Jenna: I'm supposed to wear a dress to dinner with my friends tonight.
Lisa: My friends don't have dress codes.
Mom: It's cold though! Wear a sundress with a turtleneck under it. That's your fashion tip of the day. You'll get another one tomorrow.

On adding a sibling...

Jessie: Noah, should Mommy and Daddy have another baby?
Noah: No, that would be awful.
Jessie: Noah! Don't say that, it would be fun! Remember how tiny Jocelyn was and how you could hold her and she just slept all the time...
Noah: Ok, fine. Go ahead and do it.

On childhood exclamations...

While playing with a toy.
Noah: C'mon, you crease-a-crap!

On peeing her pants...

Noah upset about something during dinner, crying.
Noah: NO! Don't do this to me, PEE!

On foodstuffs...

Lisa: You are retarded.
Mom: Oh, this isn't edible! It's a bead!

On definitions...

TV: It means we were obsolete.
Mom: nods wisely.
Jenna: You don't even know what that means.
Mom: Yes, I do. It means we're see-through. Or not see-through.
Jenna and Lisa: That's OPAQUE!

On Fringe...

Mom: Well, why wouldn't William Bell want to meet with him one of these episodes?
Dad: He's in an alternate universe.
Mom: Oh, don't give me that crap.

On safety...

Mom: Jenna, the roads are slippery. Do you know what that means?
Jenna: Drive as fast as I can to avoid slipping.

On cuteness...

Lisa: Did you just hiccup and tug your pants up at the same time?
Laura: Yup. Wasn't it adorable?

On non-surprises...

Snape: I'm the half-blood Prince.
Mom: Well that's a surprise! Looks around. To all of us, I think!

On language...

Laura: That bastard!
Dad: Laura! Watch your mouth, you jackass!

On indigenous species...

Mom: It's a Walmart Bird!

On stinks...

Mom: Hey, Muffin! You smell like a fart.

On appearances...

Jenna: Kara, you look homely.
Laura: You mean she looks homeless.
Jenna: shakes head
Laura: Oh, you're going with homely, huh?

On the line...

Kara: Jenna, your lips are valumptuous!
Laura: Make out with Kara.
Lisa: Wow. Too far.
Laura: I streaked past the line. Wooo!

On surprises...

Jenna: Oh! There's a baby down my shirt!

On being scammed...or something else?

Adam: Man. Sometimes I am all about calling people about being screwed.

On names...

Adam teaching Noah everyone's name...
Adam: Do you know what Daddy's name is?
Noah: I don't know.
Adam: What does Mommy call me sometimes?
Noah: Idiot?

On dinner...

Lisa: Noah, what do you want for dinner?
Noah: French fries.
Jessie: Shocker.
Noah: Don't shock me! I'm a friend!

On sweet dreams...

Noah: Goodnight, Jocelyn! Have good dreams!
Lisa: Aww, that was nice, Noah. What do you dream about?
Noah, muttering: Shut. Up.

On appetite...

Watching The Biggest Loser "...you have 206 lbs of excess hydrated fat..."
Lisa: This show makes me hungry.