On dog breeds...

Mom: Misty had her puppy class yesterday and let me tell you something, west highland terriers are ugly as crap.

On greetings...

Adam calls Jessie's phone, but she's busy. Kara answers. 
Kara: Hi. It's Kara. Don't say anything weird.

On nutritional history...

After watching a Frito Bandito commercial on YouTube.
Mom:  But they don't tell you how bad Fritos are. I remember no talk of how fatening things were.
Kara: We know, Mom. We know.

On internet fame...

Mom: Don't put me on YouTube. I don't want to be there.

On wardrobe acquisition...

Kara: I don't know where I got the shirt. Maybe from Jenna?
Lisa: Well if you got it from Jenna, there's no telling. She probably picked it up off the floor after some guy left it in her room.

On Spoonerisms...

Jenna is describing a book.
Jenna: ...and they didn't have a coroner, so they were waiting for the Peace of Justice.

On potential...

Dad: If it weren't for me, this whole family would be a smoking crater.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSIE!

On barfing...

Misty barfs.
Jenna: Ugh! I just saw it pour out of her face like a faucet!

On whoredom...

Lisa: Everyone knows dance team girls are whores.
Mom: Lisa!
Laura: They are.
Mom: Stop it!
Laura: They are!
Mom: Laura!
Laura: I am.