On gross...

Laura lifts her arm and inspects her armpit.
Laura: Hey, want to hear something gross?
Lisa: Does it have anything to do with your armpit?
Laura: Yes, it has to do with my armpit.

On road trips...

Noah: Are we there?
Laura: No, Noah.
Jessie: Do you remember when we went to Florida and we were in the car for a really really long time?
Noah: Yeah...
Laura: This is just like Florida. But the payoff isn't nearly as good.

On topics of conversation...

Laura, Kara, Jenna and Jessie are talking.
Mom: Okay, okay, okay. Let's talk about me and how good my hair looks.

On contracts...

Dad is home from work and Mom is sitting on the couch reading the paper.
Dad: The kids are right! You don't do anything!
Mom: Oh yeah, didn't I tell you? I get snow days.

On tolerance...

Dad, Jenna and Laura are watching a movie with Nazis. Misty is barking at the TV, and getting sprayed with a mister to get her to stop.
Dad: Man, Misty really hates Nazis.
Laura: Can't spray her for that.

On promises...

Kara: Mom where'd you get that rose ring?
Mom: Dad gave it to me in high school.
Kara: So it's a promise ring?
Mom: No. Other people thought it was a promise ring, everyone asked if it was a promise ring, but no. He said it was NOT a promise ring.

On directions...

GPS said "In 0.4 miles, take ramp right."
Mom, screaming: No, bitch!

On joining in...

Two cars ahead of us are swerving around and driving badly.
Mom: Oh! Look! Road rage!
Jessie: Well then slow down and let them get around you!
Mom: No! I want to be a part of it!

On appearances...

Laura: What is your job, exactly?
Lisa: I'm a neuromuscular genetic counselor.
Laura: Oh. I told someone the other day it was oncology. I knew that was wrong, but I wanted to sound smart.