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December 31, 2010

On ungodly stenches...

Someone who shall remain nameless fouled up the bathroom then sprayed Febreeze Hawaiian Aloha spray.
Lisa: All the flowers in Hawaii could not cover up what you did in there.


On emissions...

Moo climbs onto Laura's lap and then burps in her face.
Laura: Eew, what was that? 
Lisa: She burped at you.
Laura: Well, a burp's better than a fart. Unless you're kissin'. Then they're both bad.


December 30, 2010

On musicals...

We have tricked Mom into watching Inception by telling her it is a musical.
About forty-five minutes in:
Mom: Wait a minute, I thought you said this was a musical?
Laura: It is a musical. All the songs are at the end.
Lisa: And Laura and I sing them.

On propaganda...

Laura: Female dogs are smarter. I read that somewhere.
Dad: That's propaganda. 
Laura: By who? 
Dad: Female dogs.

On logic...

Jenna: When was Azazel [the ferret] dying? 
Laura: Right before she died.


December 29, 2010

On museums...

Lisa: The Children's Museum is bullshit because there's little kids running everywhere and you can't play like you want to.

On schedules...

Laura: Here's what I thought my night would look like from here: hot tub, pie, milk, regret eating pie, go to bed.


On mysteries...

Jessie: Don't boys lift the seats? 
Laura: Don't ask me, you're married to one, I've never even talked to one

December 28, 2010

On difficulty...

Kara's dancing.
Kara: Laura how hard is this? 
Laura: To watch?

On measuring up...

Mom is standing next to Jessie, who is wearing heels.
Mom: I only come up to Jessie's boob! 
Jessie: Lucky you.


December 23, 2010

On Alice in Wonderland...

Mom: It's like they were into girls with long narrow faces in this movie.

December 22, 2010

On gifts...

Jessie: You returned everything I got you.
Laura: You want to dress me like a Duggar.


December 21, 2010

On tenses...

Laura got up at noon and is going to bed at midnight. Lisa is questioning this practice.
Lisa: You're going to bed? 
Laura: Yes. 
Lisa: Even though you slept till-
Laura: Now? 
Lisa: What? 
Laura: Now, but twelve hours ago. 
Lisa: That's not what now means

December 20, 2010

On constructive criticism...

Mom: Let's critique the people across from us. Jenna, no mascara today?

December 19, 2010

On desserts...

Mom: We also have little succulent brownie squares.
Laura: Ew, don't use that word.
Lisa: Those brownies come from a bag in the fridge.

December 18, 2010

On peds...

Laura: Let's take your scabby legs to get a pedicure.

Lisa: Yeah, you're like a leper.
Mom: No I am not!
Laura: Yes, why do you think the pedicure ladies put on gloves and say (Laura makes concerned Chinese-sounding noises.)

December 17, 2010

On bake timers...

Laura: Ding! Pies are done.
Mom: No, it's the forty-five min check to see if it's burning. 
Lisa: You have a weird way of cooking

December 16, 2010

On learning...

Jessie: Where's Noah?
Laura: She went to go see what Grammy's doing. 
Lisa: Isn't Grammy in the shower? 
Laura: Eh, I sent her up there.

December 15, 2010

On sports terminology...

Laura: She's like the dog fight referee - she's even wearing stripes! "I want a clean fight, nothing above the waist."
Dad: Below the waist. 
Laura: Oh yeah.

December 14, 2010

On threats...

Laura: If you wake me up for the parade, I will cut off your heels. 
Mom: They'll just grow back, sharper than ever!

On sleeping...

Jenna: That's the scariest place in the house at night.
Lisa: But my room's in the basement. I sleep down there.
Jenna: I could never do it. I don't know how you do. I fear for your life down there... I pray for you every night.

December 13, 2010

On superior yellow carbs...

Laura: I'm making jalapeƱo cornbread to go with dinner tomorrow.
Lisa: Come on, I was gonna make cheesy cornbread.
Laura, solemnly: Battle of the cornbreads.