On secrets...

Tim Gunn: The designers and I will go shopping, we will have thirty minutes at Spandex House. 

Laura: Don't ever let Mom know that exists.

On iRespect...

Laura and Lisa try to get Kara to say inappropriate things to her iPhone.
Kara: No! I just got her! Stop trying to make me talk to Siri wrongly!

On good-byes...

Mom: Good night bitches, and sweet dreams.

On fans...

Mom, while watching IU game: Do you see Kara? She usually doesn't have a shirt on.

On Happy Feet...

Mom: I want to see that penguin movie. What's it called? Funny feet? No, it's an emotion. Laughing feet. No. Happy feet!

On accidents...

Laura pours milk and it goes everywhere. 
Mom: Oh you... special girl.

On loves...

Kara: I love whales. Whales and apes. Love 'em.

On stopping it...

Jenna: Hey! Quit creepin'!
Mom: I'll creep if I want to!

On gifts...

Jenna: Santa gave me a zit for Christmas.

On canines...

Mom: What's a Snoop Dogg?

On breakfast plans...

Dad: Is Jessie making her cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning again?
Jenna: Well you made yourself sick off of them last year so do you really want them?
Dad: Damn straight I do.

On beeps...

Dad: What is that NOISE?

Kara: My phone when I get a text. And I obviously can't turn it off cause I can't turn off my popularity, Rick!

On the depot...

After a discussion about toy trains set up to run around the perimeter of a room..
Kara: How do they do that?
Laura: They put a track up by the ceiling on a shelf.
Kara: Oh. I thought it was upside down, and then... physics was breaking in my head.

On cupcakes...

Laura: I hate that they probably started with someone making a cake in a cup. Holds out imaginary cupcake. "Here's a cake in a teacup." "Screw you."

On ideas...

Kara: What if we all just started doing bodily functions to start a band?

On allergies...

Laura: What are you allergic to?
Kara I don't know.
Laura: Your eyes are all watery!
Kara: I know.
Jenna: Your nose is all red!
Kara: I know.
Laura: Your face is all ugly. Oh that's not related.

On da club...

Noah is walking around in dress-up high heels.
Laura: Ain't no shame for a child to learn stiletto.
Laura and Kara: Stiletto, pumps, in the club!
Noah: In the clubhouse!

On habits...

Jessie: Why do you keep reading [annoying girl's] blog?
Laura: I don't know. It comes up on Reader and I think, "Agh what is this son of a bitch up to?"

On the mouths of babes...

While watching Sleeping Beauty.
Laura: Aurora rhymes with Laura. Should I be called Princess Laura?
Noah: You're not a princess.
Laura; whispered: I would be if I married a prince!
Noah: There are no princes in this world!
Laura: Ain't that the truth.

On cleaning up...

Jenna sees Kara drops a sprinkle on the kitchen floor; Kara doesn't pick up the sprinkle. Or anything. Ever. Jenna looks at her, expecting her to pick it up.
Kara: What? It was me tapping. Tap dances around.

On dental hygiene,,,

Laura: What are you, retarded? Putting toothbrush on a toothpaste...shut up.

On favorites...

Laura: I love any kind of fake cheese.

On weight...

Jessie: my legs are huge and fat
Adam: Yeah.
Jessie: What did I just say?
Adam: something about your legs?
Adam gets slapped in the arm.

On legalities...

Kara pulls a bottle of wine out of the fridge.

Dad: You’re not 21!
Kara: Dad! I”m twenty. And I’m smart. (quietly) Can someone open this for me?

On skanks...

Laura: Doesn’t this teddy bear look seductive? It does! Look how it’s laying!

On changes...

Kara: I don’t think I ever went through puberty.

On dentition...

Noah: Everyone is laughing at me with their... big teeth.

On homophones...

Laura: Did you just fart?
Jenna: I burped.
Laura: Your burps sound like farts.

On timing...

Misty is barking soon after the kids have gone to sleep.

Mom: You think that’s gonna wake those kids up? Maybe in a few hours, but not now. That’s your soundest sleep. Just like Dad. I can run around the room barking and he won’t wake up.

On unexpected shininess...

Laura is angrily yelling about everything.

Kara: Why are you so greasy?
Laura: Sunscreen. And testosterone.

On arrivals...

Kara walks in the door just as Mom is complaining about packing for vacation.

Kara: Is the vacation bitch here?
Mom: Yeah, you just got here.
Lisa: She turned that right around on you.
Kara: Yes, yes she did.

On dreams...

Noah: Mommy, in my dream you gave me a sucker and when I woke up, I didn't have it anymore! Why does that happen?
Jessie: Because dreams aren't real, it's just what you're thinking when you're sleeping.
Noah: Oh. So if I close my eyes more, can I eat it?

On wildlife pronunciation...

Speaking about a leopard...
Jenna: ...and there was a libra...a leo...what?

On musculature...

Lisa: I went running, sort of, on Monday. Then I went to Zumba. So I was pretty sore from running and because dancing uses muscles I don't usually use.
Laura: Your groove muscles?
Lisa: Yeah. They've atrophied.

On precociousness...

Kara and Laura: Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah.

Noah: no response.

Laura: I think she's ignoring us.

Kara: Huh. Couldn't have predicted that.

On male attire...

Noah jumps on Adam's back like she would a horse.
Jocelyn: Daddy! Noah is sitting on your...dress.

On eternal love...

Laura: Do you want to see who's in bed with me?
Lisa: Uh, okay...
Laura holds up a package of chewy Chips Ahoy cookies.
Laura: You can't beat a love like ours.

On Memories...

A tinfoil ball thrown by Noah whizzes over Adam's head and lands on the table in front of him...
Adam: Who threw that!?! Man, it's like I'm in high school again but it's my kids makin' fun of me.

On growing...

Mom: Haven't I told you this story? When I went and had a physical and came home and Grandpa Satanek was talking about how I weighed 105 lbs and he made up this song 'A hundred and five barrels of CRAP!'...I ran out of the house crying....what I wouldn't give now to weigh 105 lbs!

On Badonkadonks...

Jenna: Mom, you have a huge a.

Mom: I know - Dad always sings that song, 'I like the big girls that have the big butts....and I cannot lie.'

When Dad was questioned later he replied, "I NEVER sing that song."

On Pickles...

Jenna: I hate sweet pickles. It's like they're trying to be candy.

On accountability...

Jenna: What's Jessie doing tomorrow?
Mom: Obviously I don't keep track of her or she wouldn't be pregnant.

On mascots...

Laura: What's the name of the team that Daddy likes?
Jocelyn: ...
Laura: The Green Bay...
Jocelyn: Babies.