On legalities...

Kara pulls a bottle of wine out of the fridge.

Dad: You’re not 21!
Kara: Dad! I”m twenty. And I’m smart. (quietly) Can someone open this for me?

On skanks...

Laura: Doesn’t this teddy bear look seductive? It does! Look how it’s laying!

On changes...

Kara: I don’t think I ever went through puberty.

On dentition...

Noah: Everyone is laughing at me with their... big teeth.

On homophones...

Laura: Did you just fart?
Jenna: I burped.
Laura: Your burps sound like farts.

On timing...

Misty is barking soon after the kids have gone to sleep.

Mom: You think that’s gonna wake those kids up? Maybe in a few hours, but not now. That’s your soundest sleep. Just like Dad. I can run around the room barking and he won’t wake up.

On unexpected shininess...

Laura is angrily yelling about everything.

Kara: Why are you so greasy?
Laura: Sunscreen. And testosterone.

On arrivals...

Kara walks in the door just as Mom is complaining about packing for vacation.

Kara: Is the vacation bitch here?
Mom: Yeah, you just got here.
Lisa: She turned that right around on you.
Kara: Yes, yes she did.