On titles...

Mom: Yeah like that other actor who is a jerk. The guy from Three Men and a Baby.

Long pause.

Lisa: Charlie Sheen?

Mom: Two Men and a...

Lisa: No. Let her get there.

Mom: Three... Two... Some Number of Men and... something.

On judging crimes...

Mom: "Man charged with smuggling fossils?" Get. A. Life.

On sweet lives...

Lisa: Honey is antibacterial. Things can't live in it.
Mom: Why wouldn't things live in it? It's so delicious. I would live in it.

On games...

Mom tries to interpret an emoji text from Laura.

Mom: This is like that game. Radio.

Laura: Nope. Telephone.

On hacking...

Mom: I tried to put 'password' as the password to [the neighbor's] wifi network. I don't know if it worked.

Lisa: You're quite the hacker, aren't you?

On slang...

Mom: Take it to the izzy!

On plans...

Mom. So, flu shots and a movie tomorrow?

Lisa. You know how to party.

On bitchery...

Watching My Fair Wedding and being bitchy.

Laura: Her bridesmaids look like gang members. They're all tatted up and beefy. 

Laura: Ugh. Wishing you a lifetime of bullshit.

Laura: I hate her and I hate that she's getting cute things. I want her to have a trash bag wedding.

On hairstyles...

Trying to guess Snoop Dogg in a game.Kara: You should have said 'pigtails.' I know that from the Justin Beiber movie.

On place setting...

Mom: We should set the table really pretty for Thanksgiving. Or should we use paper plates?

On cuteness...

Kara: Elephants are the cutest animals. I saw a picture of one rescuing a cat... that might have been photoshopped.

On E...

Mom: Kara, you have to see Myla. She dances now.

Lisa: Yeah, Jessie says she gets out of control and knocks herself over. Then she gets up and hugs everyone. Actually, she might be on ecstacy. Could she be on ecstacy?

On relationships...

Kara: Jenna just buys me stuff. It's great. I love that about our relationship.

On takebacks...

Mom: Yeah, I hugged him. I wish I hadn't. You can't take hugs back. I wish you could. 

On cellular swearing...

Mom: My phone doesn't know the word bitch. It always writes 'birch.' Can you teach it bitch?

Lisa fixes phone.

Lisa: There you go. Bitch away.

On beetles...

Lisa: It looks like a stag beetle.

Jenna: A WHAT beetle?

Lisa: Stag.

Jenna: Oh I thought you said stab. Stag is much better.

On saviors...

Kara finds the missing blueberries.
Lisa: Kara! You saved the day.
Kara: I always do. I honestly always do.

On shaking it...

Mom: It is so much easier to shake a salad... than your groove thing. You can quote me.

On skills...

Mom: You all can have side careers! Lisa, publishing books. Jessie and Jenna, photography...
Jenna: Laura and Kara don't have anything to offer.
Mom: Laura pole dances on Saturdays.

On deceptive names...

Lisa: Do you know who Flavor Flav is?
Jenna: I would be really impressed if she does.
Mom: Is it a dessert?

Lisa looks up a picture to show her.

Mom: Makes a shocked face. So he's a viking?

On space...

Mom: I got pants that say "Colts" on the rear.
Dad: Does it say "Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: No, you ass. There wasn't room for-
Dad: "The Indianapolis Colts?" "2006 World Champion Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: I hate-
Jenna: It has the roster too.
Mom: ...you idiots.

On hinders...

Kara turns to leave.Laura: Oh, Kara you have a hole in your butt.
Kara: I do?
Laura: Yes. Everyone does.
Kara: You're an asshole.
Laura: That's what I'm talking about!

On eggs...

Dad: Laura is the worst person to cook eggs for.
Laura, in a sing-song voice: High standards? Or picky?
Dad, in a sing-song voice: Or pain in the ass?

On accents...

Lisa speaks in a questionable British accent.
Silence.
Lisa: Sorry. I'm not sure what that accent was.
Laura: Yeah, it went in and out.
Lisa: It was a medley.

On fiestas...

Laura: I hate that it's a Mexican reception.
Lisa: I think you mean recepción.

On who you are...

Myla's in her highchair, eating and watching the dogs play.
Mom: Myla, what are those doggies doing? Look at those doggies!
Misty hears this and leaps up to bark, thinking Mom is warning her about other dogs.
Mom: Misty! Idiot! You are the doggies!

On feels...

Mom is petting a sheep at the State Fair.
Mom: You feel like the worst kind of blanket.

On sheep rearing...

Mom is petting a sheep at the State Fair.
Mom: Oh, you are the nicest sheep. You were raised right.

On grossness...

Jenna: Ugh, my toenail is all scraggly.
Dad: Ew, Jenna. TMI.
Jenna: That's TMI? Oh, I could tell you way more gross things about myself.

On Olympic silliness...

Laura: Isn't it kind of silly that people do this? The Olympics and fireworks and whatnot?
Lisa: Isn't it weird that humans can't just do nice fun stuff like this and making great movies and being nice instead of having wars and stuff like that?
Laura: No, because we don't agree. And we have to prove we're right by killing them.

On Olympic torch semantics...

Laura: Is that it? Is that going to light something else?
Kara: No, that's the torch.
Laura: Because it looks like a bunch of sticks on fire.
Kara: What do you think a torch is?
Laura: ONE stick on fire.

On Twilight...

Adam: Do you want to finish Twilight tonight or watch something else?
Jessie: I want to finish Twilight, I'm kinda into it.
Adam quickly: I am too! I'm totally team Jacob.

On Olympic joy...

Laura, to the Queen: Smile, geez!
All exclaim.
Kara: She can't! Long pause. She's too old!

On athletic bodily functions...

Laura: Did you ever see that video where the weightlifter lifts the weight up and then projectile vomits?
Lisa: No, but I've seen the picture where some weightlifter has diarrhea.
Laura: I've seen that picture.
Lisa: Well that's not going to happen during the Color Run tomorrow. Brown is NOT one of the included colors.
Laura: Hey, Color RUN. RUNS. Geddit?

On Olympic hair...

Laura outlines Kate Middleton's supposed daily hair regimen.
Nick: Well, she lives a pretty terrible life if that's all she does.
Laura: Says you.

On Olympic emotions...

Olympic commercial with children as athletes.
Laura: Because that's how the parents see the atheletes. Right, parents in the room? Right? Can I get a single tear down the cheek?
Dad turns slowly and looks at Laura.
Laura: I think Dad hates me.

On K-Stew...

Mom: Oh yeah, did you hear about your little Twilight slut?

On Olympic differences...

Laura: Isn't it too bad that in some countries, everyone is beautiful and other countries are... Tajikistan?

On Olympic factories...

TV commentator: The ceremony now pauses on the Industrial Revolution.
Mom: Ugh. That looks like a mess.

On career choices...

Laura: Jenna's going to be an ultrasound tech. Kara's going to be a PA. I... teach dance. I shake my booty-bottom.

On Olympic speed...

TV commentator: ...and now we see the ceremony beginning to pick up in speed and intensity...
Kara: Well thank God.

On Olympic flames...

Mom: I think Beckham's going to kick a lit soccer ball through the torch hole.
Laura: I think you need to shut your torch hole.

On Olympic parades...

Parade of nations.
Jenna: Fast forward. Who gives a shit.

On Olympic guests...

Lisa: There's going to be a giant Voldemort.
Kara: Why? Oh, because he lives there?

On double stuffed...

Laura eats the middle out of an Oreo, which is laying flat in her hand.
Lisa: You are an animal.
Laura: What? I only eat the middles. It's fewer calories.
Lisa: The calories aren't in the icing! Do you know what the middle is made of? Crisco and sugar.
Laura: Thank you. Because it is delicious. Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me. They just make me hungrier. And fatter.

On British classes...

Lisa: Kara said we could go to her classes. I think that sounds fun.
Laura: Well we don't. I want to be somewhere else. Eating.

On time...

Mom: How long does it take for you to get ready?

Laura: Um, four hours.

Mom: Well take five so you look good.

On exports...

Laura: What's with all the Mormon billboards in Indy? "I'm a Mormon!" "I'm a Mormon!"

Mom: We grow them. Like crops. 

Laura: Ah yes. The two exports of Indiana, corn and Mormons. Cormans.

On drool...

Noah is blowing raspberries at Myla.
Laura: Be careful, you're spitting on her. She doesn't like spit.
Noah: Yes she does. She drools all the time.

On flocks...

Laura, getting in hot tub: Aah! I've got goosebumps in places I didn't even know I had geese!

On cooties...

Adam: That's coming. Every day I walk into work past Lily and I just think, "What are you doin' in there? Biological warfare?"