On space...

Mom: I got pants that say "Colts" on the rear.
Dad: Does it say "Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: No, you ass. There wasn't room for-
Dad: "The Indianapolis Colts?" "2006 World Champion Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: I hate-
Jenna: It has the roster too.
Mom: ...you idiots.

On hinders...

Kara turns to leave.Laura: Oh, Kara you have a hole in your butt.
Kara: I do?
Laura: Yes. Everyone does.
Kara: You're an asshole.
Laura: That's what I'm talking about!

On eggs...

Dad: Laura is the worst person to cook eggs for.
Laura, in a sing-song voice: High standards? Or picky?
Dad, in a sing-song voice: Or pain in the ass?

On accents...

Lisa speaks in a questionable British accent.
Silence.
Lisa: Sorry. I'm not sure what that accent was.
Laura: Yeah, it went in and out.
Lisa: It was a medley.

On fiestas...

Laura: I hate that it's a Mexican reception.
Lisa: I think you mean recepción.

On who you are...

Myla's in her highchair, eating and watching the dogs play.
Mom: Myla, what are those doggies doing? Look at those doggies!
Misty hears this and leaps up to bark, thinking Mom is warning her about other dogs.
Mom: Misty! Idiot! You are the doggies!

On feels...

Mom is petting a sheep at the State Fair.
Mom: You feel like the worst kind of blanket.

On sheep rearing...

Mom is petting a sheep at the State Fair.
Mom: Oh, you are the nicest sheep. You were raised right.

On grossness...

Jenna: Ugh, my toenail is all scraggly.
Dad: Ew, Jenna. TMI.
Jenna: That's TMI? Oh, I could tell you way more gross things about myself.

On Olympic silliness...

Laura: Isn't it kind of silly that people do this? The Olympics and fireworks and whatnot?
Lisa: Isn't it weird that humans can't just do nice fun stuff like this and making great movies and being nice instead of having wars and stuff like that?
Laura: No, because we don't agree. And we have to prove we're right by killing them.

On Olympic torch semantics...

Laura: Is that it? Is that going to light something else?
Kara: No, that's the torch.
Laura: Because it looks like a bunch of sticks on fire.
Kara: What do you think a torch is?
Laura: ONE stick on fire.

On Twilight...

Adam: Do you want to finish Twilight tonight or watch something else?
Jessie: I want to finish Twilight, I'm kinda into it.
Adam quickly: I am too! I'm totally team Jacob.

On Olympic joy...

Laura, to the Queen: Smile, geez!
All exclaim.
Kara: She can't! Long pause. She's too old!

On athletic bodily functions...

Laura: Did you ever see that video where the weightlifter lifts the weight up and then projectile vomits?
Lisa: No, but I've seen the picture where some weightlifter has diarrhea.
Laura: I've seen that picture.
Lisa: Well that's not going to happen during the Color Run tomorrow. Brown is NOT one of the included colors.
Laura: Hey, Color RUN. RUNS. Geddit?

On Olympic hair...

Laura outlines Kate Middleton's supposed daily hair regimen.
Nick: Well, she lives a pretty terrible life if that's all she does.
Laura: Says you.

On Olympic emotions...

Olympic commercial with children as athletes.
Laura: Because that's how the parents see the atheletes. Right, parents in the room? Right? Can I get a single tear down the cheek?
Dad turns slowly and looks at Laura.
Laura: I think Dad hates me.

On K-Stew...

Mom: Oh yeah, did you hear about your little Twilight slut?

On Olympic differences...

Laura: Isn't it too bad that in some countries, everyone is beautiful and other countries are... Tajikistan?

On Olympic factories...

TV commentator: The ceremony now pauses on the Industrial Revolution.
Mom: Ugh. That looks like a mess.

On career choices...

Laura: Jenna's going to be an ultrasound tech. Kara's going to be a PA. I... teach dance. I shake my booty-bottom.

On Olympic speed...

TV commentator: ...and now we see the ceremony beginning to pick up in speed and intensity...
Kara: Well thank God.

On Olympic flames...

Mom: I think Beckham's going to kick a lit soccer ball through the torch hole.
Laura: I think you need to shut your torch hole.

On Olympic parades...

Parade of nations.
Jenna: Fast forward. Who gives a shit.

On Olympic guests...

Lisa: There's going to be a giant Voldemort.
Kara: Why? Oh, because he lives there?