On Holding Grudges...

Mom: I remember when that girl was so mean to Laura...but I guess that was years and years ago.
Jessie: But it seems like just yesterday to you I bet.
Mom: Yup, its still fresh up here!
points to head
Jessie: you know, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and thinking it will kill your enemy.
Mom: False.

On Looks...

Adam buzzed his hair - Jessie does not like it.
Jessie: You look like you're wearing a helmet.
Adam: Awesome.

On SATs...

Laura: When I took the SATs there was a guy in my class cheating off the girl next to him.
Kara: What an idiot.
Laura: I know; the tests are all different.
Kara: Yeah and the questions are all . . . rambled . . . and jambled.

On Window tinting...

Laura: Well then my car would be 'murdered out'.
Jessie: What?!
Laura: Yeah, 'murdered out'. Doesn't anyone speak street?
Everyone: No!
Mom: I do.

On undergarments...

Mom puts on bra in the middle of the family room. Doorbell rings.
Mom: OH! Someone's here!
Jenna: It's probably Matt.
Mom finishes up.
Mom: Just in the nick of time!
Jessie: More like the nip of time.

On Gonads...

Mom: Did I just hear my favorite word 'gonads'?!
Lisa: Mom, go ahead and grab a dictionary and look that up.
Mom: I can read it - I can't reach it. Do you think its in the children's dictionary? Here it is...oh its male or female! Ovaries or...this other word.

On Anatomy...

Mom: Madi, quit licking your gonads!
entire room shouts at Mom to stop using that word
Mom: What are 'gonads'? Someone google 'gonads' for me.

On Iron Man...

The movie has been on for 2.4 seconds.
Laura: Mom- no stupid questions.
Mom: What's going on? I don't get it.

Mom: A car battery is keeping him alive?

Mom: I don't like this movie.
Jenna: Mom, the torture is NOT bad. They were bobbing for apples in that last scene!

Kara: All I want for Christmas is the other half of my toenail!

Mom: You said this was a musical, Jen.
Jenna: I never said that.

Kara: It's all fun and games until I accidentally kick ya!

Mom: Rick, are you understanding this?
Dad: Yes.
Kara: It's a very simple movie, Mom. Even I get it.

Laura: I bet I look the best tomorrow night.
Kara: (unintelligible)
Laura: What did she say?
Lisa: I think she burped 'I highly doubt it.'

Mom: Uh oh! That's Jumanji music if I ever heard it!

Jenna: They said it'd be days before the shapnoids get to his heart.

Mom: Who are those guys?
Jenna: Private agents.
Mom: Double-oh somebodies?

Laura: I don't like the ending.
Mom: Why? They're smart people. They would have figured it out. What's "Ironman?"

On nicknames...

Mom: See? Random shit like this just shows up on my table.
Lisa: Those are Kara's.
Mom: Yeah! She's "random shit" girl.

On Home Security...

Adam: I have a baseball bat under my bed in case we have an intruder... since Jessie won't let me get a gun.
Jessie: That's right! We're not having guns with little kids, that's stupid.
Adam: I already have two guns...
[long pause]
Adam flexes both arms, everyone laughs.
Mom: False.

On prenatal puppies...

Mom: It's a party in the uterine horn!

On shopping...

Lisa: If I buy one online, I'm not coming with you.
Jenna: Then don't look online!
Laura: Distract her! Flash your boobs!
Jenna: Look down my shirt! I can't flash you because my sports bra is too tight!

On a safe Black Friday...

Mom: Drive carefully. Every nut will be out there, but they're usually not drinking. They're just women.

On peeking...

Kara: I saw who you have. You have me.
Lisa: Well stop looking! What are you looking at me opening the paper for?!
Kara: I'm done opening mine and I have nothing else to look at.

On parental support...

Dad: What a bunch of retards.
Mom: You are all retards. All of you.

On difficulties...

Laura: Dad just said "the odds are against you." Yeah, well so are your children.

On sleeping terminology...

Kara: I gotta go hit the haystacks.
Laura: It's hit the haystack.
Lisa: It's hit the hay or hit the sack.

On the thought that counts...

Jenna: It just scarred me when I bought you the Caboodle and you hated it.
Laura: Well why'd you buy me a Caboodle, you frickin' retard?

On being a ladies man...

Adam: Story of my life - kissin' women and they don't like it.

Again on technology...

Jessie: Noah isn't allowed to play with my phone anymore because the other day she was on the web for 50 minutes!
Mom: You can disable that.
Jessie: I don't want to disable that for myself - I like to be able to use it.
Mom: Why?! Why do you need the web??...What is the web?