On rights...

Mom: If we switch cars they're gonna make me sit in the back! I don't want to sit in the back!
Dad: You're the adult. You get to pick.
Mom: Thank you!

On manstruation...

Discussing Dad's menstrual cycle.
Lisa: You're gonna get a punch right in the head.
Laura: I'll deserve it.

On promises...

Laura: Would you get a dog Moo's size?
Mom: Don't even talk about another dog. Madi's going to live another ten years.
Laura: If she's not dead by eleven I'll kill her myself.

On comiseration...

Laura: FML. FYL. FOL.

On etiquette...

Jenna changes in to her pajamas.
Laura: Girl, how you gonna be a whore in your GRANDMA'S House!?!?

On Donald's agent...

Noah sees a picture of Mickey Mouse, Goofy and Donald Duck.
Noah: Look! It's Mickey and Goofy and a little chicken!

On substitutions...

Jessie: Adam, did you bring in the girls' cups?
Adam: No, but I brought in the pack and play. Does that get me off the hook?

On limitations...

Noah: Daddy you're not a princess! You're not wearing a skirt!
Dad: That's the only thing holding you back, Adam.

On honesty...

Kara: Hey! Jenna! I like this.
Kara, whispering to everyone else: I don't like it.

On sharing...

Laura: Jessie! Jenna's moving in on your husband!

On coping...

Laura tries Lisa's wine.
Laura: That's good, I could sip that slowly.
Lisa: You want a glass?
Laura: No.
Lisa: Are you sure? It helps with... everything.

On detours...

After making numerous stops on our way out of Syracuse.
Laura: Dad- bad news.
Dad: What?
Laura: We have to stop at Harrison Bakery.
Dad, muttering: I hate you kids.

On insecurity...

Laura: What are you wearing?
Kara: This sleeveless sweater.
Kara holds up sweater.
Kara: Compliment me.

On vocabulary...

Laura: Noah, you should be careful or that will hit you in your noggin again.
Noah: stares at Laura
Laura: Noah, do you know what your noggin is? Where's your noggin?
Noah: Uh, it's at home.

On secret spelling...

Laura: Should we ask Noah to go get her S-K-I-R-T?
Noah: Hey! Are you asking about my P-E-R-S?

On unrequited love...

Adam: I don't know if you noticed while I was eating...
Laura: Yes Adam. We all can't stop staring at you while you eat.
Kara: Yeah, Adam. We all have crushes on you.

On Dad's old girlfriends...

Mom: She wasn't that great. You all would have been ugly.

On gifts...

Jenna: I've had you the past two years and you hated what I got you.
Laura: Well you got me ugly crap that I hated. Last year I had Adam who asked for "metrosexual shoes."

On innards...

Mom: Hey! Did you take the other half of my gizzard?!
Laura: Yes. I stuffed it down my pants.

On habits...

Jessie: Mom just stabbed me in the boob with a fork!
Jenna: She does that.