On Olympic torch semantics...

Laura: Is that it? Is that going to light something else?
Kara: No, that's the torch.
Laura: Because it looks like a bunch of sticks on fire.
Kara: What do you think a torch is?
Laura: ONE stick on fire.

On Twilight...

Adam: Do you want to finish Twilight tonight or watch something else?
Jessie: I want to finish Twilight, I'm kinda into it.
Adam quickly: I am too! I'm totally team Jacob.

On Olympic joy...

Laura, to the Queen: Smile, geez!
All exclaim.
Kara: She can't! Long pause. She's too old!

On athletic bodily functions...

Laura: Did you ever see that video where the weightlifter lifts the weight up and then projectile vomits?
Lisa: No, but I've seen the picture where some weightlifter has diarrhea.
Laura: I've seen that picture.
Lisa: Well that's not going to happen during the Color Run tomorrow. Brown is NOT one of the included colors.
Laura: Hey, Color RUN. RUNS. Geddit?

On Olympic hair...

Laura outlines Kate Middleton's supposed daily hair regimen.
Nick: Well, she lives a pretty terrible life if that's all she does.
Laura: Says you.

On Olympic emotions...

Olympic commercial with children as athletes.
Laura: Because that's how the parents see the atheletes. Right, parents in the room? Right? Can I get a single tear down the cheek?
Dad turns slowly and looks at Laura.
Laura: I think Dad hates me.

On K-Stew...

Mom: Oh yeah, did you hear about your little Twilight slut?

On Olympic differences...

Laura: Isn't it too bad that in some countries, everyone is beautiful and other countries are... Tajikistan?

On Olympic factories...

TV commentator: The ceremony now pauses on the Industrial Revolution.
Mom: Ugh. That looks like a mess.

On career choices...

Laura: Jenna's going to be an ultrasound tech. Kara's going to be a PA. I... teach dance. I shake my booty-bottom.

On Olympic speed...

TV commentator: ...and now we see the ceremony beginning to pick up in speed and intensity...
Kara: Well thank God.

On Olympic flames...

Mom: I think Beckham's going to kick a lit soccer ball through the torch hole.
Laura: I think you need to shut your torch hole.

On Olympic parades...

Parade of nations.
Jenna: Fast forward. Who gives a shit.

On Olympic guests...

Lisa: There's going to be a giant Voldemort.
Kara: Why? Oh, because he lives there?

On double stuffed...

Laura eats the middle out of an Oreo, which is laying flat in her hand.
Lisa: You are an animal.
Laura: What? I only eat the middles. It's fewer calories.
Lisa: The calories aren't in the icing! Do you know what the middle is made of? Crisco and sugar.
Laura: Thank you. Because it is delicious. Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me. They just make me hungrier. And fatter.

On British classes...

Lisa: Kara said we could go to her classes. I think that sounds fun.
Laura: Well we don't. I want to be somewhere else. Eating.

On time...

Mom: How long does it take for you to get ready?

Laura: Um, four hours.

Mom: Well take five so you look good.

On exports...

Laura: What's with all the Mormon billboards in Indy? "I'm a Mormon!" "I'm a Mormon!"

Mom: We grow them. Like crops. 

Laura: Ah yes. The two exports of Indiana, corn and Mormons. Cormans.

On drool...

Noah is blowing raspberries at Myla.
Laura: Be careful, you're spitting on her. She doesn't like spit.
Noah: Yes she does. She drools all the time.

On flocks...

Laura, getting in hot tub: Aah! I've got goosebumps in places I didn't even know I had geese!