On appearances...

Jenna: Kara, you look homely.
Laura: You mean she looks homeless.
Jenna: shakes head
Laura: Oh, you're going with homely, huh?

On the line...

Kara: Jenna, your lips are valumptuous!
Laura: Make out with Kara.
Lisa: Wow. Too far.
Laura: I streaked past the line. Wooo!

On surprises...

Jenna: Oh! There's a baby down my shirt!

On being scammed...or something else?

Adam: Man. Sometimes I am all about calling people about being screwed.

On names...

Adam teaching Noah everyone's name...
Adam: Do you know what Daddy's name is?
Noah: I don't know.
Adam: What does Mommy call me sometimes?
Noah: Idiot?

On dinner...

Lisa: Noah, what do you want for dinner?
Noah: French fries.
Jessie: Shocker.
Noah: Don't shock me! I'm a friend!

On sweet dreams...

Noah: Goodnight, Jocelyn! Have good dreams!
Lisa: Aww, that was nice, Noah. What do you dream about?
Noah, muttering: Shut. Up.

On appetite...

Watching The Biggest Loser "...you have 206 lbs of excess hydrated fat..."
Lisa: This show makes me hungry.

On missing out...

Mom: Well, we missed Cyber Monday. Whatever that is.

On illumination...

Lisa: You should have more lights put into this damn room.
Laura: Damn right!
Mom: Yeah, damn it!

On colored liquids...

During the new Star Trek movie...

Laura: What is red material?
Dad, immediately: It's Bad Shit! I was hoping someone would ask me that.

On spoiler alerts...

During the new Star Trek movie...

Mom, sarcastic: Guys pay attention! Awesome coolness!

On Spock's mother...

During the new Star Trek movie...
A little background for these next few quotes - Dad really likes Star Trek. Mom really doesn't.

Mom: Oh - sucks to be her.
Dad: It's his mom.
Mom: Oh, sorry. I hate to be insensitive at a time like this.

On interrogation...

Jenna: Noah, did you hide my phone?
Noah: No.
Jenna: Did you touch it?
Noah: Yes.
Jenna: Noah. Where. Is. My. Phone?
Noah: I. Don't. Know.
Kara: All right Noah, cut the crap.
Noah: You cut the crap, Kara!

On ladies...

Adam comes into the girls' room while we're taking turns in the bathroom.
Kara: Why are you in here?
Laura: Yeah, Adam. We're in our night clothes.
Adam: I'm waiting to use the bathroom.
Kara: Me too. You'd better hurry. I have to change my tamp.
Adam: shakes his head.

On hunger...

Dad: No food for you.
Laura: I'm picking it up!
Dad: Still.
Laura: I'll park and eat everyone's.

On ingenuity...

Laura: Yeah Mom - shimmy under that gate and see what you can scrap up.
Mom: Like the Pokey Little Puppy?

On retribution...

Camera flashes.
Mom: What are you doing?
Laura: Texting a picture of Lisa's middle finger to Kara.
Mom: She deserves that.

On changes...

Lisa: This is a race now.
Laura: Yeah, kick their ass!
Dad: Laura!
Laura: What? Dad, we cuss now.
Dad: Yeah my kids swear and mother buys wine for college kids.

On mall cops...

Mom: He will arrest your ass.