On male attire...

Noah jumps on Adam's back like she would a horse.
Jocelyn: Daddy! Noah is sitting on your...dress.

On eternal love...

Laura: Do you want to see who's in bed with me?
Lisa: Uh, okay...
Laura holds up a package of chewy Chips Ahoy cookies.
Laura: You can't beat a love like ours.

On Memories...

A tinfoil ball thrown by Noah whizzes over Adam's head and lands on the table in front of him...
Adam: Who threw that!?! Man, it's like I'm in high school again but it's my kids makin' fun of me.

On growing...

Mom: Haven't I told you this story? When I went and had a physical and came home and Grandpa Satanek was talking about how I weighed 105 lbs and he made up this song 'A hundred and five barrels of CRAP!'...I ran out of the house crying....what I wouldn't give now to weigh 105 lbs!

On Badonkadonks...

Jenna: Mom, you have a huge a.

Mom: I know - Dad always sings that song, 'I like the big girls that have the big butts....and I cannot lie.'

When Dad was questioned later he replied, "I NEVER sing that song."

On Pickles...

Jenna: I hate sweet pickles. It's like they're trying to be candy.

On accountability...

Jenna: What's Jessie doing tomorrow?
Mom: Obviously I don't keep track of her or she wouldn't be pregnant.

On mascots...

Laura: What's the name of the team that Daddy likes?
Jocelyn: ...
Laura: The Green Bay...
Jocelyn: Babies.

On ungodly stenches...

Someone who shall remain nameless fouled up the bathroom then sprayed Febreeze Hawaiian Aloha spray.
Lisa: All the flowers in Hawaii could not cover up what you did in there.

On emissions...

Moo climbs onto Laura's lap and then burps in her face.
Laura: Eew, what was that? 
Lisa: She burped at you.
Laura: Well, a burp's better than a fart. Unless you're kissin'. Then they're both bad.

On musicals...

We have tricked Mom into watching Inception by telling her it is a musical.
About forty-five minutes in:
Mom: Wait a minute, I thought you said this was a musical?
Laura: It is a musical. All the songs are at the end.
Lisa: And Laura and I sing them.

On propaganda...

Laura: Female dogs are smarter. I read that somewhere.

Dad: That's propaganda. 

Laura: By who? 

Dad: Female dogs.

On logic...

Jenna: When was Azazel [the ferret] dying? 
Laura: Right before she died.

On museums...

Lisa: The Children's Museum is bullshit because there's little kids running everywhere and you can't play like you want to.

On schedules...

Laura: Here's what I thought my night would look like from here: hot tub, pie, milk, regret eating pie, go to bed.

On mysteries...

Jessie: Don't boys lift the seats? 

Laura: Don't ask me, you're married to one, I've never even talked to one

On difficulty...

Kara's dancing.

Kara: Laura how hard is this? 

Laura: To watch?

On measuring up...

Mom is standing next to Jessie, who is wearing heels.
Mom: I only come up to Jessie's boob! 
Jessie: Lucky you.

On Alice in Wonderland...

Mom: It's like they were into girls with long narrow faces in this movie.

On gifts...

Jessie: You returned everything I got you.
Laura: You want to dress me like a Duggar.