On cellular swearing...

Mom: My phone doesn't know the word bitch. It always writes 'birch.' Can you teach it bitch?

Lisa fixes phone.

Lisa: There you go. Bitch away.

On beetles...

Lisa: It looks like a stag beetle.

Jenna: A WHAT beetle?

Lisa: Stag.

Jenna: Oh I thought you said stab. Stag is much better.

On saviors...

Kara finds the missing blueberries.
Lisa: Kara! You saved the day.
Kara: I always do. I honestly always do.

On shaking it...

Mom: It is so much easier to shake a salad... than your groove thing. You can quote me.

On skills...

Mom: You all can have side careers! Lisa, publishing books. Jessie and Jenna, photography...
Jenna: Laura and Kara don't have anything to offer.
Mom: Laura pole dances on Saturdays.

On deceptive names...

Lisa: Do you know who Flavor Flav is?
Jenna: I would be really impressed if she does.
Mom: Is it a dessert?

Lisa looks up a picture to show her.

Mom: Makes a shocked face. So he's a viking?

On space...

Mom: I got pants that say "Colts" on the rear.
Dad: Does it say "Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: No, you ass. There wasn't room for-
Dad: "The Indianapolis Colts?" "2006 World Champion Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: I hate-
Jenna: It has the roster too.
Mom: ...you idiots.

On hinders...

Kara turns to leave.Laura: Oh, Kara you have a hole in your butt.
Kara: I do?
Laura: Yes. Everyone does.
Kara: You're an asshole.
Laura: That's what I'm talking about!

On eggs...

Dad: Laura is the worst person to cook eggs for.
Laura, in a sing-song voice: High standards? Or picky?
Dad, in a sing-song voice: Or pain in the ass?

On accents...

Lisa speaks in a questionable British accent.
Silence.
Lisa: Sorry. I'm not sure what that accent was.
Laura: Yeah, it went in and out.
Lisa: It was a medley.

On fiestas...

Laura: I hate that it's a Mexican reception.
Lisa: I think you mean recepción.

On who you are...

Myla's in her highchair, eating and watching the dogs play.
Mom: Myla, what are those doggies doing? Look at those doggies!
Misty hears this and leaps up to bark, thinking Mom is warning her about other dogs.
Mom: Misty! Idiot! You are the doggies!

On feels...

Mom is petting a sheep at the State Fair.
Mom: You feel like the worst kind of blanket.

On sheep rearing...

Mom is petting a sheep at the State Fair.
Mom: Oh, you are the nicest sheep. You were raised right.

On grossness...

Jenna: Ugh, my toenail is all scraggly.
Dad: Ew, Jenna. TMI.
Jenna: That's TMI? Oh, I could tell you way more gross things about myself.

On Olympic silliness...

Laura: Isn't it kind of silly that people do this? The Olympics and fireworks and whatnot?
Lisa: Isn't it weird that humans can't just do nice fun stuff like this and making great movies and being nice instead of having wars and stuff like that?
Laura: No, because we don't agree. And we have to prove we're right by killing them.

On Olympic torch semantics...

Laura: Is that it? Is that going to light something else?
Kara: No, that's the torch.
Laura: Because it looks like a bunch of sticks on fire.
Kara: What do you think a torch is?
Laura: ONE stick on fire.

On Twilight...

Adam: Do you want to finish Twilight tonight or watch something else?
Jessie: I want to finish Twilight, I'm kinda into it.
Adam quickly: I am too! I'm totally team Jacob.

On Olympic joy...

Laura, to the Queen: Smile, geez!
All exclaim.
Kara: She can't! Long pause. She's too old!

On athletic bodily functions...

Laura: Did you ever see that video where the weightlifter lifts the weight up and then projectile vomits?
Lisa: No, but I've seen the picture where some weightlifter has diarrhea.
Laura: I've seen that picture.
Lisa: Well that's not going to happen during the Color Run tomorrow. Brown is NOT one of the included colors.
Laura: Hey, Color RUN. RUNS. Geddit?