On television...

Mom: Have you watched that show 'Splash?'
Lisa: Hell no. I watch shows about zombies. And about fat people. That's my jam.

On Bluetooth technology...

Mom: You'll have to look at my Bluetooth, it isn't working. I put it next to the phone and said, "Be one!" But nothing happened.

On New Years' resolutions...

Jenna: Look at that. You know what that is? Butter, sugar and milk. You know what I'm adding it to? Peanut butter.

On titles...

Mom: Yeah like that other actor who is a jerk. The guy from Three Men and a Baby.

Long pause.

Lisa: Charlie Sheen?

Mom: Two Men and a...

Lisa: No. Let her get there.

Mom: Three... Two... Some Number of Men and... something.

On judging crimes...

Mom: "Man charged with smuggling fossils?" Get. A. Life.

On sweet lives...

Lisa: Honey is antibacterial. Things can't live in it.
Mom: Why wouldn't things live in it? It's so delicious. I would live in it.

On games...

Mom tries to interpret an emoji text from Laura.

Mom: This is like that game. Radio.

Laura: Nope. Telephone.

On hacking...

Mom: I tried to put 'password' as the password to [the neighbor's] wifi network. I don't know if it worked.

Lisa: You're quite the hacker, aren't you?

On slang...

Mom: Take it to the izzy!

On plans...

Mom. So, flu shots and a movie tomorrow?

Lisa. You know how to party.

On bitchery...

Watching My Fair Wedding and being bitchy.

Laura: Her bridesmaids look like gang members. They're all tatted up and beefy. 

Laura: Ugh. Wishing you a lifetime of bullshit.

Laura: I hate her and I hate that she's getting cute things. I want her to have a trash bag wedding.

On hairstyles...

Trying to guess Snoop Dogg in a game.Kara: You should have said 'pigtails.' I know that from the Justin Beiber movie.

On place setting...

Mom: We should set the table really pretty for Thanksgiving. Or should we use paper plates?

On cuteness...

Kara: Elephants are the cutest animals. I saw a picture of one rescuing a cat... that might have been photoshopped.

On E...

Mom: Kara, you have to see Myla. She dances now.

Lisa: Yeah, Jessie says she gets out of control and knocks herself over. Then she gets up and hugs everyone. Actually, she might be on ecstacy. Could she be on ecstacy?

On relationships...

Kara: Jenna just buys me stuff. It's great. I love that about our relationship.

On takebacks...

Mom: Yeah, I hugged him. I wish I hadn't. You can't take hugs back. I wish you could. 

On cellular swearing...

Mom: My phone doesn't know the word bitch. It always writes 'birch.' Can you teach it bitch?

Lisa fixes phone.

Lisa: There you go. Bitch away.

On beetles...

Lisa: It looks like a stag beetle.

Jenna: A WHAT beetle?

Lisa: Stag.

Jenna: Oh I thought you said stab. Stag is much better.

On saviors...

Kara finds the missing blueberries.
Lisa: Kara! You saved the day.
Kara: I always do. I honestly always do.