On dreams...

Kara: Laura, you died in my dream last night.
Laura: Oh yeah? How'd I die?
Kara: Well I just finished The Lovely Bones so you were murdered and cut up into a million pieces.
Laura: Could I watch people and stuff?
Kara: I dunno. We had some setup where we could talk twice a week.
Laura: Sweet, what did we talk about? Did I tell you what people were doing?
Kara: Actually I don't think we really took advantage of the talking thing.

On not seeing things...

Jenna: Man, I was watching Armageddon and I've never seen it before, but I had to leave early, and-
Lisa: And you didn't want to miss a thing?

On babies...

Laura: Jenna, how old do you want to be when you have kids?
Jenna: (pause) Nine months from yesterday?

On lists...

Jenna: Mom, you need to sew up that pillow before I can take it.
Mom: Yeah, Jen. It's at the top of my list. Of things I don't give a crap about.

On shopping...

Kara: Let's go to Old Navy, for kicks! And clothes.
Mom: Kara, have you met your dad? Who hates shopping?
Kara: Hi, dad.
Dad: Hi, hun.

On cars...

Jenna: You can't look at a car and know what kind it is and who makes it?
Kara: We're not men, Jenna.

On luck...

Dad: Can you believe how many damn lights I'm hitting?
Kara: Don't cuss - there's a cop over there.

On food...

Laura: I'm hungry!
Kara: That's why we're going out to eat, Fat.

On reading...

Jenna: [A six-year-old family friend] has read four chapters of the first Harry Potter already!
Lisa: Big deal. I read all the chapters of the first Harry Potter.

On Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix...

Mom: Okay, I just want to ask one question without everyone freaking out and yelling and threatening to take the book away from me.
Lisa: This is going to be good. Go.
Mom: What is a horcrux?

Kara: Harry Potter is hot and I'm going to marry Daniel Ratsniff.

Some liberal translations of some HP characters, courtesy of the mother:

Crookshanks = Crankshaw
Nagini = Ninguini (with clam sauce?)
Buckbeak = Beakdrill

Mom: The part I didn't get about the prophecies was why he only had one.
Lisa: What?
Mom: I thought in the book Harry had three of those prophecy things. Harry had three balls.
Jessie: What book were you reading?!

On mixes...

Mom: I saw the cutest dog on the news today. It was a Bichon mix.
Laura: Bichon mixed with what kind of dog?
Mom: Poodle, I think. It was gray.
Lisa: Know what I'd like to see a Bichon mixed with?
Mom: What?
Lisa: A blender.

On inventions...

Laura: (wearing weird sunglasses with white frames).
Lisa: Your sunglasses look like they're made by Apple.
Laura: Yeah, they do!
Lisa: iGlasses.

Flip Flap Florida Quotes

Laura: You quarantined my donuts!?

Kara: Shut up. We had to tell you I was a leg hair.

Adam: When I smell Curve on a guy, I try to get close to him.

Adam: Jessie, you're gonna get sick.
Jessie: Watch me. I have eaten so much more candy than this.

Laura (to Noah): Your aunt Kara is crazy!
Kara: Your aunt Laura is fat!
Laura: Your aunt Kara's a bitch.

Kara: It's global warming. We're all gonna freeze up and die!

Mom: What a bitch! I'd push a button and drop her through a hole in the floor.

Kara: I can't read this, it's all words!

Kara (to the tune of 'Irreplaceable'): To the left, to the left! I found my retainer in the underwear part of my bag!

Lisa: She's drunk on pajamas!

On technology...

Laura: Is that cellulite on the back of her thigh?
Lisa: I think so.
Laura: HD is amazing.

Guest Quote...

(a phone call after Kara's 4X1 relay at the state track meet)
Matt: Kara, do you realize what you did? You got on your horse and you giddied up!

On clothing...

Laura: Mom, I found the dress I want for my wedding. This, but in white.
Mom: Oh. Someone actually wore that? She's letting all her, um, junk hang out.

On disagreements...

Lisa: No.
Laura: Yes.
Lisa: Nope.
Laura: Yeah.
Lisa: You're wrong.
Laura: I'm right.
Lisa: Wrong and stupid.
Laura: Awesome and pretty.

On appetizers...

Laura: Lisa, I dropped a jar of cheese on the driveway and now there's a big puddle of cheese and broken glass! What should I do?
Lisa: Scrape it into a bowl and call it 'Danger Dip?'

On advertising choices...

Laura: What? Why does tea need kissing?

On health...

Jenna: I ate that whole cookie bouquet by myself. I think it's good for you, though. The colors add to your... organs.

On food...

Adam: Man, I wish eating took longer.
Lisa: It can, if you chew.

Some vintage wisdom...

(On the way home from updating dad's glasses from this to this.)
Mom: Rick - are you cheeks jealous that they don't get to see the road anymore?
Dad: (angry eyes.)

On a limb...

Jenna: So she just decides on a limb that she wants kids.

On fabric softener...

Laura: I like it, I just don't understand how it opens during the wash cycle.
Jessie: Yeah, I don't know either. Maybe Mom knows.
Laura: Hey Mom - how do Downy Balls work? I mean, why do they open in the washing machine and not just stay closed?
Mom: They're free.

On prom dresses...

(Laura is trying to lace up the back of Jenna's confusing prom dress.)
Jenna: Hurry up!
Mom: C'mon Laura, we want to see it!
Laura: I feel like I'm working on a Rubik's Cube!

On dating...

Jessie: Well, if Laura was dating someone that we all hated...
Laura: (leans over to Jenna)
Laura: At least I'm dating someone!

On goodness...

Mom: Am I good or what?
Dad, Jenna and Lisa: Or what.
Mom: Damn.

On survival...

Mom: That's really a shame about their pipes bursting, but at least it snowed recently. If they need water, they can just melt some snow.
Lisa: Or they could go to the store and buy a jug of water for fifteen cents.
Mom: Oh, yeah. I didn't even think of that.

On Quaker Oats commercials...

Laura: It's like Bucky Boy. You'd never intentionally bring it up, but if it happens? It's okay.

On general health...

Mom: You feeling better?
Jenna: (flashes her thong)
Mom: Oh, you are so grounded - don't think you can flash your ass at me and get away with it! You are better... there's no fooling me!