On Iron Man...

The movie has been on for 2.4 seconds.
Laura: Mom- no stupid questions.
Mom: What's going on? I don't get it.

Mom: A car battery is keeping him alive?

Mom: I don't like this movie.
Jenna: Mom, the torture is NOT bad. They were bobbing for apples in that last scene!

Kara: All I want for Christmas is the other half of my toenail!

Mom: You said this was a musical, Jen.
Jenna: I never said that.

Kara: It's all fun and games until I accidentally kick ya!

Mom: Rick, are you understanding this?
Dad: Yes.
Kara: It's a very simple movie, Mom. Even I get it.

Laura: I bet I look the best tomorrow night.
Kara: (unintelligible)
Laura: What did she say?
Lisa: I think she burped 'I highly doubt it.'

Mom: Uh oh! That's Jumanji music if I ever heard it!

Jenna: They said it'd be days before the shapnoids get to his heart.

Mom: Who are those guys?
Jenna: Private agents.
Mom: Double-oh somebodies?

Laura: I don't like the ending.
Mom: Why? They're smart people. They would have figured it out. What's "Ironman?"

On nicknames...

Mom: See? Random shit like this just shows up on my table.
Lisa: Those are Kara's.
Mom: Yeah! She's "random shit" girl.

On Home Security...

Adam: I have a baseball bat under my bed in case we have an intruder... since Jessie won't let me get a gun.
Jessie: That's right! We're not having guns with little kids, that's stupid.
Adam: I already have two guns...
[long pause]
Adam flexes both arms, everyone laughs.
Mom: False.

On prenatal puppies...

Mom: It's a party in the uterine horn!

On shopping...

Lisa: If I buy one online, I'm not coming with you.
Jenna: Then don't look online!
Laura: Distract her! Flash your boobs!
Jenna: Look down my shirt! I can't flash you because my sports bra is too tight!

On a safe Black Friday...

Mom: Drive carefully. Every nut will be out there, but they're usually not drinking. They're just women.

On peeking...

Kara: I saw who you have. You have me.
Lisa: Well stop looking! What are you looking at me opening the paper for?!
Kara: I'm done opening mine and I have nothing else to look at.

On parental support...

Dad: What a bunch of retards.
Mom: You are all retards. All of you.

On difficulties...

Laura: Dad just said "the odds are against you." Yeah, well so are your children.

On sleeping terminology...

Kara: I gotta go hit the haystacks.
Laura: It's hit the haystack.
Lisa: It's hit the hay or hit the sack.

On the thought that counts...

Jenna: It just scarred me when I bought you the Caboodle and you hated it.
Laura: Well why'd you buy me a Caboodle, you frickin' retard?

On being a ladies man...

Adam: Story of my life - kissin' women and they don't like it.

Again on technology...

Jessie: Noah isn't allowed to play with my phone anymore because the other day she was on the web for 50 minutes!
Mom: You can disable that.
Jessie: I don't want to disable that for myself - I like to be able to use it.
Mom: Why?! Why do you need the web??...What is the web?

On onions...

Dad: Everyone's tryin' to sneak friggin' onion into me. I HATE 'EM!

On Lake Placid...

Mom: Oh! There it is as a baby! ...No, that's a stick.

Mom: Crazy old Betty White: always killin' alligators.

On avoidance...

On the webcam...
Mom: I'm a llama you're a llama llama llama duck! Hey, why is she not looking at me?

The Long-Lost Florida Quotes

We bought a special poster to record our hilarity all vacation. It was jam-packed; a thing of true beauty. Then some jerk with short-term memory problems (okay, me) forgot it on the wall when we left - I hope it gave some amusement to the non-English-speaking housekeeping staff - and it was lost to the ages, wherever garbage in resorts like that ends up. Anyway, I managed to find most of the quotes and redeem my good name. So now without further ado I present: The Florida Quotes.

Lisa: You started [the Nintendo game] over?
Laura: Yeah. I wasn't finding all the coins, I wasn't getting everything... I just wasn't doing my best.

Jessie: I took the new body wash because I liked it.
Mom: Well, Adam has to use it too, and he's gonna smell gay.
Jessie: He's been googling Brett Favre for the past forty-five minutes. I think he might be gay.

Mom: What are we gonna do now?
Kara: I don't care what you do. Get drunk and get on the tram.

Kara: Let's just go to the playground.
Everyone else: SHHHHHHH! (not wanting Noah to hear the word 'playground' and freak out)
Kara: Well, it does look like fun.

(We finally make it to the restaurant)
Noah: Yay!
Dad: You're friggin' right, yay.
Laura: Don't say friggin' to the baby!

Mom: Next time, I'll sit on you with my Chiggerass(tm).

Laura: Soft and supple, like a baby's ass!
Mom: Oh, damn!

Kara: I coat my face in stuff cuz I think it makes me look prettier.

Kara: ... and long and behold...
Everyone: It's LO. Lo and behold.
Kara: Oh. I just thought, you know, I long for something and behold! I found it.

Laura: I leaned over to Jenna and said the movie was complex.
Jenna: Oh! I thought you were talking about your contacts.

Mom: Download the megapickles!

(In the Nike store, completely out of context to make her look bad)
Laura: Find me a kid with that body.

Lisa: Oh! I missed 06/07/08!
Jenna: What were you going to do?
Lisa: Notice it.

Adam: Shut your pie hole... happy anniversary!

Laura: Oh my gosh! This pizza is burning hot! What temperature did you cook this pizza at?!
Mom: The normal temperature. Whatever it said on the box.
Laura: I just burned my mouth! I have never burned my mouth on pizza before!

Mom: I like you, Jenn. I just don't like your mix.

On bananas...

Kara: Is anyone going to use these bananas?
Mom: Yes! Stop stabbing them with a pen!

On Beauty...

Looking at himself in the mirror...
Adam: I'm pretty.

On cars....

Mom: Wouldn't it be neat if you could breed cars?

...silence...

On the gravy train...

Mom: If I had a dream gravy...
Lisa: No one's supposed to have a dream gravy, fatso.

On Reflexes. . .

Laura takes an entire bowl of ice and dumps it down the front of mom's shirt.
Mom: How did you do that?!
Laura: Oh please, your reflexes are so slow I could have done that three times before you knew what was happening.

On eating...

Jessie: I read that a rule of thumb was to give toddlers as many tablespoons of each food as they are years old, so Noah should get about 1.5 tablespoons of food per meal.
Mom: So that means I can have...

On Beauty. . .

Mom: You know who is so ugly?
Jessie, Jenna & Laura: Who?
Mom: Jessica Sarah Parker!
(Jessie, Jenna & Laura laugh)
Mom: Why, what do you guys call her?

On Time. . .

Laura: My foot hurts really bad.
Mom: Well you should wrap it in an ace bandage.
Laura: No, I wouldn't be able to dance.
Mom: You need to take it easy Laura, you just had surgery two months ago.
Laura: It was not two months ago, it was December.
Mom: (quietly counting on her fingers) December, January, February, March, April, May. It's been five months?!
Laura: Yeah.
Mom: Holy crap! Time flies! Well you dance your little heart out!

On I Am Legend...

Mom: Where is everyone?

Will Smith does pull-ups.
Laura: Woah.
Adam: He's not going down all the way.
Laura: I was talking about his body.

Kara puts her legs on Jenna's legs
Kara: Legs on legs!

Will Smith chases Sam into the dark building.
Mom: Why is there light on his face?
Lisa: Because this is a movie and otherwise we can't see him.

Kara: You smell like a hamster.
Jenna: Oooh!

On her millionth question of the movie...
Mom: Why do we call them zombies?
Dad: Why do you talk?

Mom: Well, what the heck is he wandering around town for, just lookin' for trouble?

Movie: The Dark Seekers got them.
Mom: The dachshund?
Jessie: DARK SEEKERS.
Mom. I thought it was to replace the German Shepard.

Kara: This part is so random. Then again, this whole movie sucks, so...

Mom: It's ending like it started.
Lisa: With trees, dammit.

Kara: She's not even American!

On puppy breath...

Jenna: Dog breast milk is what you're smelling.

Studying with Kara

Dad: ...diplomatic relations-
Kara: Diplomatic? Come on.

Dad: The Soviet Union doesn't exist anymore.
Kara: What? Really?

Dad: Do you know what CIA stands for?
Kara: Crime scene investigators? I shouldn't have said that.

Dad: gives a detailed explanation of the Iraq war.
Kara: So how do we talk to other countries? Calling cards?

Kara: And what was that thing where the president kissed that guy? Or was that All in the Family?

Kara: And what's this neh-roo jacket?
Dad: It's nay-roo.
Kara: So you had one?

Plus one Jessie laughed through on my voicemail that I'm still trying to decipher...