On missing out...

Mom: Well, we missed Cyber Monday. Whatever that is.

On illumination...

Lisa: You should have more lights put into this damn room.
Laura: Damn right!
Mom: Yeah, damn it!

On colored liquids...

During the new Star Trek movie...

Laura: What is red material?
Dad, immediately: It's Bad Shit! I was hoping someone would ask me that.

On spoiler alerts...

During the new Star Trek movie...

Mom, sarcastic: Guys pay attention! Awesome coolness!

On Spock's mother...

During the new Star Trek movie...
A little background for these next few quotes - Dad really likes Star Trek. Mom really doesn't.

Mom: Oh - sucks to be her.
Dad: It's his mom.
Mom: Oh, sorry. I hate to be insensitive at a time like this.

On interrogation...

Jenna: Noah, did you hide my phone?
Noah: No.
Jenna: Did you touch it?
Noah: Yes.
Jenna: Noah. Where. Is. My. Phone?
Noah: I. Don't. Know.
Kara: All right Noah, cut the crap.
Noah: You cut the crap, Kara!

On ladies...

Adam comes into the girls' room while we're taking turns in the bathroom.
Kara: Why are you in here?
Laura: Yeah, Adam. We're in our night clothes.
Adam: I'm waiting to use the bathroom.
Kara: Me too. You'd better hurry. I have to change my tamp.
Adam: shakes his head.

On hunger...

Dad: No food for you.
Laura: I'm picking it up!
Dad: Still.
Laura: I'll park and eat everyone's.

On ingenuity...

Laura: Yeah Mom - shimmy under that gate and see what you can scrap up.
Mom: Like the Pokey Little Puppy?

On retribution...

Camera flashes.
Mom: What are you doing?
Laura: Texting a picture of Lisa's middle finger to Kara.
Mom: She deserves that.

On changes...

Lisa: This is a race now.
Laura: Yeah, kick their ass!
Dad: Laura!
Laura: What? Dad, we cuss now.
Dad: Yeah my kids swear and mother buys wine for college kids.

On mall cops...

Mom: He will arrest your ass.

On rights...

Mom: If we switch cars they're gonna make me sit in the back! I don't want to sit in the back!
Dad: You're the adult. You get to pick.
Mom: Thank you!

On manstruation...

Discussing Dad's menstrual cycle.
Lisa: You're gonna get a punch right in the head.
Laura: I'll deserve it.

On promises...

Laura: Would you get a dog Moo's size?
Mom: Don't even talk about another dog. Madi's going to live another ten years.
Laura: If she's not dead by eleven I'll kill her myself.

On comiseration...

Laura: FML. FYL. FOL.

On etiquette...

Jenna changes in to her pajamas.
Laura: Girl, how you gonna be a whore in your GRANDMA'S House!?!?

On Donald's agent...

Noah sees a picture of Mickey Mouse, Goofy and Donald Duck.
Noah: Look! It's Mickey and Goofy and a little chicken!

On substitutions...

Jessie: Adam, did you bring in the girls' cups?
Adam: No, but I brought in the pack and play. Does that get me off the hook?

On limitations...

Noah: Daddy you're not a princess! You're not wearing a skirt!
Dad: That's the only thing holding you back, Adam.

On honesty...

Kara: Hey! Jenna! I like this.
Kara, whispering to everyone else: I don't like it.

On sharing...

Laura: Jessie! Jenna's moving in on your husband!

On coping...

Laura tries Lisa's wine.
Laura: That's good, I could sip that slowly.
Lisa: You want a glass?
Laura: No.
Lisa: Are you sure? It helps with... everything.

On detours...

After making numerous stops on our way out of Syracuse.
Laura: Dad- bad news.
Dad: What?
Laura: We have to stop at Harrison Bakery.
Dad, muttering: I hate you kids.

On insecurity...

Laura: What are you wearing?
Kara: This sleeveless sweater.
Kara holds up sweater.
Kara: Compliment me.

On vocabulary...

Laura: Noah, you should be careful or that will hit you in your noggin again.
Noah: stares at Laura
Laura: Noah, do you know what your noggin is? Where's your noggin?
Noah: Uh, it's at home.

On secret spelling...

Laura: Should we ask Noah to go get her S-K-I-R-T?
Noah: Hey! Are you asking about my P-E-R-S?

On unrequited love...

Adam: I don't know if you noticed while I was eating...
Laura: Yes Adam. We all can't stop staring at you while you eat.
Kara: Yeah, Adam. We all have crushes on you.

On Dad's old girlfriends...

Mom: She wasn't that great. You all would have been ugly.

On gifts...

Jenna: I've had you the past two years and you hated what I got you.
Laura: Well you got me ugly crap that I hated. Last year I had Adam who asked for "metrosexual shoes."

On innards...

Mom: Hey! Did you take the other half of my gizzard?!
Laura: Yes. I stuffed it down my pants.

On habits...

Jessie: Mom just stabbed me in the boob with a fork!
Jenna: She does that.

On Kara still being gross...

Kara sneezes.
Jenna: Ew! Kara! Cover your mouth!
Kara: Ew! No! I don't want that!

On Kara being gross...

Kara burps in Jenna's face.
Jenna: Bring it again see what happens.

On memories...

Jenna: Lisa and I did a duet of this song during Siblings Weekend at Valpo!
Kara: I was there, too.
Jenna: Oh.

On royalty...

Laura spins like Noah.
Noah: Hey! You can't do that move! You're not a princess!
Laura: Can I be a princess?
Noah: You're not even wearing a skirt.
Laura pulls her sweater down like a skirt.
Laura: How about now?
Kara: Ugh. Fine. You can be a princess for a little bit.

On dysmorphology...

Noah: Hey Gummy- your ears look like crazy. Like Tinkerbell.

On friends...

Noah, to Moo: Ha, ha, ha- you like me.

On good deeds...

Lisa: So you don't do it because it's right, you do it because you get recognition for it?
Mom: I don't know why I do the things I do.

On moderation...

Mom: My parents drink Manhattans, too.
Grandma Kinsley: Of course they do; they're good solid drinkers. Don't tell them I said that.

On mixology...

Mom: Whiskey sours! Remember? You put it in the blender. A can of whiskey, a can of...
Jessie: Sour?

On celebrations...

Mom: Gam, do you want wine? You can have a little wine.
Everyone: Mom!
Mom: Oh, she drinks wine.
Gam: I used to get loaded.
Everyone: laughs.
Gam: No, I never got loaded. Except on New Year's Eve.

On wearing out one's welcome...

Mom: Mom, your hair feels like Moo's hair. The dog, Ma. The dog.
Grandma Kinsley: Thanks a lot.
To Grandma Northrup: I think it's time for them to leave, they're getting insulting.

On revenge...

Mom: Who's the jackass now!?

On turning around...

Laura: I forgot something!
Dad: Too bad!
Laura: It was to say I love you.

On homonyms...

Mom: Okay, I'm hot.
Laura: Me too. Oh... you mean temperature.

On balance...

Lisa: Noah, you're doing such a good job pedaling that tricycle!
Noah: Lisa, maybe when you're a little girl you can pedal like me.
Lisa: I ride a real bike.
Noah: Whut?

On legible fashion...

Jenna: What does Noah's shirt say!?
Jessie: Snugglebug.
Jenna: So cute!
Laura: I have a shirt that says that.
Lisa: Yeah, but it's creepy when you wear it.

On compliments...

Lisa: Jenna and I took all three dogs to Petco.
Laura: Oh really? Who got the most compliments?
Kara: Me.

On unspeakable grossness...

Squirting cow udder on television.
Everyone: Ew, gross!
Mom: That's what happens!
Everyone, louder: EW!

On freshness...

Adam: Necrotic hoohah. How does that happen?
Lisa: You don't use it?

On laziness...

Jessie: You're lazy.
Adam: I am NOT lazy - I've done more today than most people do in a lifetime.

On inheritance...

Mom: Another headband! Why do you have headbands everywhere?!
Lisa: Because they hurt my giant head and I take them off as soon as I get in and put them wherever I am! Thanks for my giant head, Dad.
Dad: You're welcome.
Mom: Well, you got your giant brain from me.
Lisa: Oh, yeah? Where'd you find it?

On Blue Eyes...

Laura: I WILL marry someone with blue eyes.

Jessie: Brown eyes can be pretty.

Laura: No. Whispers It's like you're full of poop.

On more spiders...

Jenna: We for sure just sucked up that spider! It was in the fridge on the shelf when I went to get a water, just... chillin'.

On spiders...

Mom: AHH! A spider! What, are we growing them?! I'm flushing him. AH! He's swimming! He's alive! I'm peeing on him.

On Aunt Lisa...

While riding in the car...
Noah: Mommy, where is Yeesa?
Jessie: She's in Chicago. That's where she lives now.
Noah: Yeesa's so piddy. I miss her.

:)

On Being an Aunt...

Noah: "Apples, Mommy!!"
Laura to Jessie on the webcam
Laura: "Tell her to say that while holding her tongue."
Pause
Laura: "I'm going to be that aunt, you know that, right?"

on Wii fit

Jessie hula hoops frantically to try to reach 300...
Laura: holy crap! Look at her arms - she looks like she's stirrin' a pot of crazy!

On mythical creatures...

Mom: They're walking past Hagrid's house. It looks like he's teaching a lesson... oh yeah, it's those flying things. What are they called? Happacriffs? Half-a-crips?

On...I don't know.

Dad: Noah, your hair looks pretty!
Noah gives no response
Jessie: Noah, when someone tells you you're pretty you say, 'Thank you'.
Mom: How would you know?

On hockey...

Jenna: So what's that guy doing? Just riding around on that Zambino?
Laura: On the what?
Jenna: . . . Zam . . bino?
Laura: Zamboni!
Jenna: Ohhh yeah. And "The Great Zambino".
Laura: No. It's Great BAMBINO!
Jenna: Ohhh. Ok.

On gang signs...

Adam waves a car at the adjacent stop sign the go ahead after dark.
Jessie: You can flash your lights when it's dark.
Adam: Oh.
Jessie: Or gang signs.
Adam: Because I know a lot of gang signs.
Jessie: You could write "blood" with your hands.
Adam: I could write blood with their blood.
Jessie: That's only funny because it's coming from you.

On texting...

Mom: Oh, you guys are idiots. (Phone dings.) Good, someone texted me so I don't have to talk to you anymore.
Lisa: It's from me. It says you're an ass.

On the perks of reality tv...

Mom: Man, these little people get to do everything!
Lisa: Yeah, all you have to do is get a reality show is have a billion kids or be really short.
Mom: No kidding!
Lisa: So really, you should have a show by now.

On Holding Grudges...

Mom: I remember when that girl was so mean to Laura...but I guess that was years and years ago.
Jessie: But it seems like just yesterday to you I bet.
Mom: Yup, its still fresh up here!
points to head
Jessie: you know, holding a grudge is like drinking poison and thinking it will kill your enemy.
Mom: False.

On Looks...

Adam buzzed his hair - Jessie does not like it.
Jessie: You look like you're wearing a helmet.
Adam: Awesome.

On SATs...

Laura: When I took the SATs there was a guy in my class cheating off the girl next to him.
Kara: What an idiot.
Laura: I know; the tests are all different.
Kara: Yeah and the questions are all . . . rambled . . . and jambled.

On Window tinting...

Laura: Well then my car would be 'murdered out'.
Jessie: What?!
Laura: Yeah, 'murdered out'. Doesn't anyone speak street?
Everyone: No!
Mom: I do.

On undergarments...

Mom puts on bra in the middle of the family room. Doorbell rings.
Mom: OH! Someone's here!
Jenna: It's probably Matt.
Mom finishes up.
Mom: Just in the nick of time!
Jessie: More like the nip of time.

On Gonads...

Mom: Did I just hear my favorite word 'gonads'?!
Lisa: Mom, go ahead and grab a dictionary and look that up.
Mom: I can read it - I can't reach it. Do you think its in the children's dictionary? Here it is...oh its male or female! Ovaries or...this other word.

On Anatomy...

Mom: Madi, quit licking your gonads!
entire room shouts at Mom to stop using that word
Mom: What are 'gonads'? Someone google 'gonads' for me.