On funds...

Lisa: Oh, the MDA telethon is tonight.
Mom: Why is the NBA having a telethon?!

On television...

Mom: Have you watched that show 'Splash?'
Lisa: Hell no. I watch shows about zombies. And about fat people. That's my jam.

On Bluetooth technology...

Mom: You'll have to look at my Bluetooth, it isn't working. I put it next to the phone and said, "Be one!" But nothing happened.

On titles...

Mom: Yeah like that other actor who is a jerk. The guy from Three Men and a Baby.

Long pause.

Lisa: Charlie Sheen?

Mom: Two Men and a...

Lisa: No. Let her get there.

Mom: Three... Two... Some Number of Men and... something.

On judging crimes...

Mom: "Man charged with smuggling fossils?" Get. A. Life.

On sweet lives...

Lisa: Honey is antibacterial. Things can't live in it.
Mom: Why wouldn't things live in it? It's so delicious. I would live in it.

On games...

Mom tries to interpret an emoji text from Laura.

Mom: This is like that game. Radio.

Laura: Nope. Telephone.

On hacking...

Mom: I tried to put 'password' as the password to [the neighbor's] wifi network. I don't know if it worked.

Lisa: You're quite the hacker, aren't you?

On slang...

Mom: Take it to the izzy!

On plans...

Mom. So, flu shots and a movie tomorrow?

Lisa. You know how to party.

On place setting...

Mom: We should set the table really pretty for Thanksgiving. Or should we use paper plates?

On E...

Mom: Kara, you have to see Myla. She dances now.

Lisa: Yeah, Jessie says she gets out of control and knocks herself over. Then she gets up and hugs everyone. Actually, she might be on ecstacy. Could she be on ecstacy?

On takebacks...

Mom: Yeah, I hugged him. I wish I hadn't. You can't take hugs back. I wish you could. 

On cellular swearing...

Mom: My phone doesn't know the word bitch. It always writes 'birch.' Can you teach it bitch?

Lisa fixes phone.

Lisa: There you go. Bitch away.

On shaking it...

Mom: It is so much easier to shake a salad... than your groove thing. You can quote me.

On skills...

Mom: You all can have side careers! Lisa, publishing books. Jessie and Jenna, photography...
Jenna: Laura and Kara don't have anything to offer.
Mom: Laura pole dances on Saturdays.

On deceptive names...

Lisa: Do you know who Flavor Flav is?
Jenna: I would be really impressed if she does.
Mom: Is it a dessert?

Lisa looks up a picture to show her.

Mom: Makes a shocked face. So he's a viking?

On space...

Mom: I got pants that say "Colts" on the rear.
Dad: Does it say "Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: No, you ass. There wasn't room for-
Dad: "The Indianapolis Colts?" "2006 World Champion Indianapolis Colts?"
Mom: I hate-
Jenna: It has the roster too.
Mom: ...you idiots.

On who you are...

Myla's in her highchair, eating and watching the dogs play.
Mom: Myla, what are those doggies doing? Look at those doggies!
Misty hears this and leaps up to bark, thinking Mom is warning her about other dogs.
Mom: Misty! Idiot! You are the doggies!

On feels...

Mom is petting a sheep at the State Fair.
Mom: You feel like the worst kind of blanket.