On ambient music...

Mom: Where do you even get music like this?
Laura: Just go to Australia and hit record.

On projectiles...

Kara: Hey Lisa, can you grab me mom's nail file from that top draw- oh! I just got hit in the face with one of my toenails!

On wedding television...

Laura: She looks really pretty. And she's the ugly one.
Laura continues talking.
Jenna, to Kara: That's what we'll be saying at her wedding.

On loyalty...

Laura: Jenna - switch seats with me so you and Lisa can share the dessert.
Jenna: Or I can stay here and have a little of everything. I don't wanna commit to just one dessert.
Laura: Don't ever get married.

On suction cup glass markers...

Mom: They like to stick to a glass with alcohol in it.
Jessie: Yeah, who doesn't?

On performance...

Jessie: You're fired. Get away from my children.
Mom: Oh, I've been fired so many times I don't even hear the words anymore.

On misdirection...

Mom tried to direct Grandma to a recipe website, but left out a hyphen which apparently led to some sort of adult entertainment website.
Mom: She didn't see any chocolate muffins.
Lisa: You'd see a different kind of chocolate muffins on that kind of site.
Mom: Well, I just sent my parents to a porn site. That's. Just. Great.

On junk...

Jessie: I like showing off my junk when I work out.
Mom: My seam moves around.
Jessie: That means your junk is lopsided.
Mom: My junk is straight on! Rick, they're talking about my junk! And they're not being very nice about it!

On technology...

Mom: Lisa, are you tagging your twitter to post and flicker... nevermind. You look confused. This is clearly over your head.

On desertion...

Mom: Hey, where is everybody going?
Jenna: Mom, I'm right here.
(Pause.)
Mom: Hey, where are all the good people going? 

On drinking ages...

Mom: Ooh! Ooh! Jocelyn's got rum!

On changing allegiences...

Kara: Noah, that baby used to be mine. Her name was Nicole.
Noah: Kara. Hey, Kara. She doesn't like you.
Kara: I raised her!

On fashion...

Jenna: I'm supposed to wear a dress to dinner with my friends tonight.
Lisa: My friends don't have dress codes.
Mom: It's cold though! Wear a sundress with a turtleneck under it. That's your fashion tip of the day. You'll get another one tomorrow.

On adding a sibling...

Jessie: Noah, should Mommy and Daddy have another baby?
Noah: No, that would be awful.
Jessie: Noah! Don't say that, it would be fun! Remember how tiny Jocelyn was and how you could hold her and she just slept all the time...
Noah: Ok, fine. Go ahead and do it.

On childhood exclamations...

While playing with a toy.
Noah: C'mon, you crease-a-crap!

On peeing her pants...

Noah upset about something during dinner, crying.
Noah: NO! Don't do this to me, PEE!

On foodstuffs...

Lisa: You are retarded.
Mom: Oh, this isn't edible! It's a bead!

On definitions...

TV: It means we were obsolete.
Mom: nods wisely.
Jenna: You don't even know what that means.
Mom: Yes, I do. It means we're see-through. Or not see-through.
Jenna and Lisa: That's OPAQUE!

On Fringe...

Mom: Well, why wouldn't William Bell want to meet with him one of these episodes?
Dad: He's in an alternate universe.
Mom: Oh, don't give me that crap.

On safety...

Mom: Jenna, the roads are slippery. Do you know what that means?
Jenna: Drive as fast as I can to avoid slipping.

On cuteness...

Lisa: Did you just hiccup and tug your pants up at the same time?
Laura: Yup. Wasn't it adorable?

On non-surprises...

Snape: I'm the half-blood Prince.
Mom: Well that's a surprise! Looks around. To all of us, I think!

On language...

Laura: That bastard!
Dad: Laura! Watch your mouth, you jackass!

On indigenous species...

Mom: It's a Walmart Bird!

On stinks...

Mom: Hey, Muffin! You smell like a fart.