On missing out...

Mom: Well, we missed Cyber Monday. Whatever that is.

On illumination...

Lisa: You should have more lights put into this damn room.
Laura: Damn right!
Mom: Yeah, damn it!

On colored liquids...

During the new Star Trek movie...

Laura: What is red material?
Dad, immediately: It's Bad Shit! I was hoping someone would ask me that.

On spoiler alerts...

During the new Star Trek movie...

Mom, sarcastic: Guys pay attention! Awesome coolness!

On Spock's mother...

During the new Star Trek movie...
A little background for these next few quotes - Dad really likes Star Trek. Mom really doesn't.

Mom: Oh - sucks to be her.
Dad: It's his mom.
Mom: Oh, sorry. I hate to be insensitive at a time like this.

On interrogation...

Jenna: Noah, did you hide my phone?
Noah: No.
Jenna: Did you touch it?
Noah: Yes.
Jenna: Noah. Where. Is. My. Phone?
Noah: I. Don't. Know.
Kara: All right Noah, cut the crap.
Noah: You cut the crap, Kara!

On ladies...

Adam comes into the girls' room while we're taking turns in the bathroom.
Kara: Why are you in here?
Laura: Yeah, Adam. We're in our night clothes.
Adam: I'm waiting to use the bathroom.
Kara: Me too. You'd better hurry. I have to change my tamp.
Adam: shakes his head.

On hunger...

Dad: No food for you.
Laura: I'm picking it up!
Dad: Still.
Laura: I'll park and eat everyone's.

On ingenuity...

Laura: Yeah Mom - shimmy under that gate and see what you can scrap up.
Mom: Like the Pokey Little Puppy?

On retribution...

Camera flashes.
Mom: What are you doing?
Laura: Texting a picture of Lisa's middle finger to Kara.
Mom: She deserves that.

On changes...

Lisa: This is a race now.
Laura: Yeah, kick their ass!
Dad: Laura!
Laura: What? Dad, we cuss now.
Dad: Yeah my kids swear and mother buys wine for college kids.

On mall cops...

Mom: He will arrest your ass.

On rights...

Mom: If we switch cars they're gonna make me sit in the back! I don't want to sit in the back!
Dad: You're the adult. You get to pick.
Mom: Thank you!

On manstruation...

Discussing Dad's menstrual cycle.
Lisa: You're gonna get a punch right in the head.
Laura: I'll deserve it.

On promises...

Laura: Would you get a dog Moo's size?
Mom: Don't even talk about another dog. Madi's going to live another ten years.
Laura: If she's not dead by eleven I'll kill her myself.

On comiseration...

Laura: FML. FYL. FOL.

On etiquette...

Jenna changes in to her pajamas.
Laura: Girl, how you gonna be a whore in your GRANDMA'S House!?!?

On Donald's agent...

Noah sees a picture of Mickey Mouse, Goofy and Donald Duck.
Noah: Look! It's Mickey and Goofy and a little chicken!

On substitutions...

Jessie: Adam, did you bring in the girls' cups?
Adam: No, but I brought in the pack and play. Does that get me off the hook?

On limitations...

Noah: Daddy you're not a princess! You're not wearing a skirt!
Dad: That's the only thing holding you back, Adam.

On honesty...

Kara: Hey! Jenna! I like this.
Kara, whispering to everyone else: I don't like it.

On sharing...

Laura: Jessie! Jenna's moving in on your husband!

On coping...

Laura tries Lisa's wine.
Laura: That's good, I could sip that slowly.
Lisa: You want a glass?
Laura: No.
Lisa: Are you sure? It helps with... everything.

On detours...

After making numerous stops on our way out of Syracuse.
Laura: Dad- bad news.
Dad: What?
Laura: We have to stop at Harrison Bakery.
Dad, muttering: I hate you kids.

On insecurity...

Laura: What are you wearing?
Kara: This sleeveless sweater.
Kara holds up sweater.
Kara: Compliment me.

On vocabulary...

Laura: Noah, you should be careful or that will hit you in your noggin again.
Noah: stares at Laura
Laura: Noah, do you know what your noggin is? Where's your noggin?
Noah: Uh, it's at home.

On secret spelling...

Laura: Should we ask Noah to go get her S-K-I-R-T?
Noah: Hey! Are you asking about my P-E-R-S?

On unrequited love...

Adam: I don't know if you noticed while I was eating...
Laura: Yes Adam. We all can't stop staring at you while you eat.
Kara: Yeah, Adam. We all have crushes on you.

On Dad's old girlfriends...

Mom: She wasn't that great. You all would have been ugly.

On gifts...

Jenna: I've had you the past two years and you hated what I got you.
Laura: Well you got me ugly crap that I hated. Last year I had Adam who asked for "metrosexual shoes."

On innards...

Mom: Hey! Did you take the other half of my gizzard?!
Laura: Yes. I stuffed it down my pants.

On habits...

Jessie: Mom just stabbed me in the boob with a fork!
Jenna: She does that.

On Kara still being gross...

Kara sneezes.
Jenna: Ew! Kara! Cover your mouth!
Kara: Ew! No! I don't want that!

On Kara being gross...

Kara burps in Jenna's face.
Jenna: Bring it again see what happens.

On memories...

Jenna: Lisa and I did a duet of this song during Siblings Weekend at Valpo!
Kara: I was there, too.
Jenna: Oh.

On royalty...

Laura spins like Noah.
Noah: Hey! You can't do that move! You're not a princess!
Laura: Can I be a princess?
Noah: You're not even wearing a skirt.
Laura pulls her sweater down like a skirt.
Laura: How about now?
Kara: Ugh. Fine. You can be a princess for a little bit.

On dysmorphology...

Noah: Hey Gummy- your ears look like crazy. Like Tinkerbell.

On friends...

Noah, to Moo: Ha, ha, ha- you like me.

On good deeds...

Lisa: So you don't do it because it's right, you do it because you get recognition for it?
Mom: I don't know why I do the things I do.

On moderation...

Mom: My parents drink Manhattans, too.
Grandma Kinsley: Of course they do; they're good solid drinkers. Don't tell them I said that.

On mixology...

Mom: Whiskey sours! Remember? You put it in the blender. A can of whiskey, a can of...
Jessie: Sour?

On celebrations...

Mom: Gam, do you want wine? You can have a little wine.
Everyone: Mom!
Mom: Oh, she drinks wine.
Gam: I used to get loaded.
Everyone: laughs.
Gam: No, I never got loaded. Except on New Year's Eve.

On wearing out one's welcome...

Mom: Mom, your hair feels like Moo's hair. The dog, Ma. The dog.
Grandma Kinsley: Thanks a lot.
To Grandma Northrup: I think it's time for them to leave, they're getting insulting.

On revenge...

Mom: Who's the jackass now!?

On turning around...

Laura: I forgot something!
Dad: Too bad!
Laura: It was to say I love you.

On homonyms...

Mom: Okay, I'm hot.
Laura: Me too. Oh... you mean temperature.

On balance...

Lisa: Noah, you're doing such a good job pedaling that tricycle!
Noah: Lisa, maybe when you're a little girl you can pedal like me.
Lisa: I ride a real bike.
Noah: Whut?

On legible fashion...

Jenna: What does Noah's shirt say!?
Jessie: Snugglebug.
Jenna: So cute!
Laura: I have a shirt that says that.
Lisa: Yeah, but it's creepy when you wear it.

On compliments...

Lisa: Jenna and I took all three dogs to Petco.
Laura: Oh really? Who got the most compliments?
Kara: Me.

On unspeakable grossness...

Squirting cow udder on television.
Everyone: Ew, gross!
Mom: That's what happens!
Everyone, louder: EW!