On cooties...

Adam: That's coming. Every day I walk into work past Lily and I just think, "What are you doin' in there? Biological warfare?"

On weight...

Jessie: my legs are huge and fat
Adam: Yeah.
Jessie: What did I just say?
Adam: something about your legs?
Adam gets slapped in the arm.

On Memories...

A tinfoil ball thrown by Noah whizzes over Adam's head and lands on the table in front of him...
Adam: Who threw that!?! Man, it's like I'm in high school again but it's my kids makin' fun of me.

On timing meals...

At 9:00 am:
Noah: Daddy, can I have some candy after lunch?
Adam: Yes, Noah. After lunch.
Pause.
Noah: Daddy? Can you make my lunch now?

On being scammed...or something else?

Adam: Man. Sometimes I am all about calling people about being screwed.

On names...

Adam teaching Noah everyone's name...
Adam: Do you know what Daddy's name is?
Noah: I don't know.
Adam: What does Mommy call me sometimes?
Noah: Idiot?

On ladies...

Adam comes into the girls' room while we're taking turns in the bathroom.
Kara: Why are you in here?
Laura: Yeah, Adam. We're in our night clothes.
Adam: I'm waiting to use the bathroom.
Kara: Me too. You'd better hurry. I have to change my tamp.
Adam: shakes his head.

On substitutions...

Jessie: Adam, did you bring in the girls' cups?
Adam: No, but I brought in the pack and play. Does that get me off the hook?

On unrequited love...

Adam: I don't know if you noticed while I was eating...
Laura: Yes Adam. We all can't stop staring at you while you eat.
Kara: Yeah, Adam. We all have crushes on you.

On freshness...

Adam: Necrotic hoohah. How does that happen?
Lisa: You don't use it?

On laziness...

Jessie: You're lazy.
Adam: I am NOT lazy - I've done more today than most people do in a lifetime.

On gang signs...

Adam waves a car at the adjacent stop sign the go ahead after dark.
Jessie: You can flash your lights when it's dark.
Adam: Oh.
Jessie: Or gang signs.
Adam: Because I know a lot of gang signs.
Jessie: You could write "blood" with your hands.
Adam: I could write blood with their blood.
Jessie: That's only funny because it's coming from you.

On Looks...

Adam buzzed his hair - Jessie does not like it.
Jessie: You look like you're wearing a helmet.
Adam: Awesome.

On Home Security...

Adam: I have a baseball bat under my bed in case we have an intruder... since Jessie won't let me get a gun.
Jessie: That's right! We're not having guns with little kids, that's stupid.
Adam: I already have two guns...
[long pause]
Adam flexes both arms, everyone laughs.
Mom: False.

On being a ladies man...

Adam: Story of my life - kissin' women and they don't like it.

The Long-Lost Florida Quotes

We bought a special poster to record our hilarity all vacation. It was jam-packed; a thing of true beauty. Then some jerk with short-term memory problems (okay, me) forgot it on the wall when we left - I hope it gave some amusement to the non-English-speaking housekeeping staff - and it was lost to the ages, wherever garbage in resorts like that ends up. Anyway, I managed to find most of the quotes and redeem my good name. So now without further ado I present: The Florida Quotes.

Lisa: You started [the Nintendo game] over?
Laura: Yeah. I wasn't finding all the coins, I wasn't getting everything... I just wasn't doing my best.

Jessie: I took the new body wash because I liked it.
Mom: Well, Adam has to use it too, and he's gonna smell gay.
Jessie: He's been googling Brett Favre for the past forty-five minutes. I think he might be gay.

Mom: What are we gonna do now?
Kara: I don't care what you do. Get drunk and get on the tram.

Kara: Let's just go to the playground.
Everyone else: SHHHHHHH! (not wanting Noah to hear the word 'playground' and freak out)
Kara: Well, it does look like fun.

(We finally make it to the restaurant)
Noah: Yay!
Dad: You're friggin' right, yay.
Laura: Don't say friggin' to the baby!

Mom: Next time, I'll sit on you with my Chiggerass(tm).

Laura: Soft and supple, like a baby's ass!
Mom: Oh, damn!

Kara: I coat my face in stuff cuz I think it makes me look prettier.

Kara: ... and long and behold...
Everyone: It's LO. Lo and behold.
Kara: Oh. I just thought, you know, I long for something and behold! I found it.

Laura: I leaned over to Jenna and said the movie was complex.
Jenna: Oh! I thought you were talking about your contacts.

Mom: Download the megapickles!

(In the Nike store, completely out of context to make her look bad)
Laura: Find me a kid with that body.

Lisa: Oh! I missed 06/07/08!
Jenna: What were you going to do?
Lisa: Notice it.

Adam: Shut your pie hole... happy anniversary!

Laura: Oh my gosh! This pizza is burning hot! What temperature did you cook this pizza at?!
Mom: The normal temperature. Whatever it said on the box.
Laura: I just burned my mouth! I have never burned my mouth on pizza before!

Mom: I like you, Jenn. I just don't like your mix.

On Beauty...

Looking at himself in the mirror...
Adam: I'm pretty.

On I Am Legend...

Mom: Where is everyone?

Will Smith does pull-ups.
Laura: Woah.
Adam: He's not going down all the way.
Laura: I was talking about his body.

Kara puts her legs on Jenna's legs
Kara: Legs on legs!

Will Smith chases Sam into the dark building.
Mom: Why is there light on his face?
Lisa: Because this is a movie and otherwise we can't see him.

Kara: You smell like a hamster.
Jenna: Oooh!

On her millionth question of the movie...
Mom: Why do we call them zombies?
Dad: Why do you talk?

Mom: Well, what the heck is he wandering around town for, just lookin' for trouble?

Movie: The Dark Seekers got them.
Mom: The dachshund?
Jessie: DARK SEEKERS.
Mom. I thought it was to replace the German Shepard.

Kara: This part is so random. Then again, this whole movie sucks, so...

Mom: It's ending like it started.
Lisa: With trees, dammit.

Kara: She's not even American!

Flip Flap Florida Quotes

Laura: You quarantined my donuts!?

Kara: Shut up. We had to tell you I was a leg hair.

Adam: When I smell Curve on a guy, I try to get close to him.

Adam: Jessie, you're gonna get sick.
Jessie: Watch me. I have eaten so much more candy than this.

Laura (to Noah): Your aunt Kara is crazy!
Kara: Your aunt Laura is fat!
Laura: Your aunt Kara's a bitch.

Kara: It's global warming. We're all gonna freeze up and die!

Mom: What a bitch! I'd push a button and drop her through a hole in the floor.

Kara: I can't read this, it's all words!

Kara (to the tune of 'Irreplaceable'): To the left, to the left! I found my retainer in the underwear part of my bag!

Lisa: She's drunk on pajamas!

On food...

Adam: Man, I wish eating took longer.
Lisa: It can, if you chew.