On celebrations...

Mom: Gam, do you want wine? You can have a little wine.
Everyone: Mom!
Mom: Oh, she drinks wine.
Gam: I used to get loaded.
Everyone: laughs.
Gam: No, I never got loaded. Except on New Year's Eve.

On wearing out one's welcome...

Mom: Mom, your hair feels like Moo's hair. The dog, Ma. The dog.
Grandma Kinsley: Thanks a lot.
To Grandma Northrup: I think it's time for them to leave, they're getting insulting.

On revenge...

Mom: Who's the jackass now!?

On turning around...

Laura: I forgot something!
Dad: Too bad!
Laura: It was to say I love you.

On homonyms...

Mom: Okay, I'm hot.
Laura: Me too. Oh... you mean temperature.

On balance...

Lisa: Noah, you're doing such a good job pedaling that tricycle!
Noah: Lisa, maybe when you're a little girl you can pedal like me.
Lisa: I ride a real bike.
Noah: Whut?

On legible fashion...

Jenna: What does Noah's shirt say!?
Jessie: Snugglebug.
Jenna: So cute!
Laura: I have a shirt that says that.
Lisa: Yeah, but it's creepy when you wear it.

On compliments...

Lisa: Jenna and I took all three dogs to Petco.
Laura: Oh really? Who got the most compliments?
Kara: Me.

On unspeakable grossness...

Squirting cow udder on television.
Everyone: Ew, gross!
Mom: That's what happens!
Everyone, louder: EW!

On freshness...

Adam: Necrotic hoohah. How does that happen?
Lisa: You don't use it?

On laziness...

Jessie: You're lazy.
Adam: I am NOT lazy - I've done more today than most people do in a lifetime.

On inheritance...

Mom: Another headband! Why do you have headbands everywhere?!
Lisa: Because they hurt my giant head and I take them off as soon as I get in and put them wherever I am! Thanks for my giant head, Dad.
Dad: You're welcome.
Mom: Well, you got your giant brain from me.
Lisa: Oh, yeah? Where'd you find it?

On Blue Eyes...

Laura: I WILL marry someone with blue eyes.

Jessie: Brown eyes can be pretty.

Laura: No. Whispers It's like you're full of poop.

On more spiders...

Jenna: We for sure just sucked up that spider! It was in the fridge on the shelf when I went to get a water, just... chillin'.

On spiders...

Mom: AHH! A spider! What, are we growing them?! I'm flushing him. AH! He's swimming! He's alive! I'm peeing on him.

On Aunt Lisa...

While riding in the car...
Noah: Mommy, where is Yeesa?
Jessie: She's in Chicago. That's where she lives now.
Noah: Yeesa's so piddy. I miss her.

:)

On Being an Aunt...

Noah: "Apples, Mommy!!"
Laura to Jessie on the webcam
Laura: "Tell her to say that while holding her tongue."
Pause
Laura: "I'm going to be that aunt, you know that, right?"

on Wii fit

Jessie hula hoops frantically to try to reach 300...
Laura: holy crap! Look at her arms - she looks like she's stirrin' a pot of crazy!

On mythical creatures...

Mom: They're walking past Hagrid's house. It looks like he's teaching a lesson... oh yeah, it's those flying things. What are they called? Happacriffs? Half-a-crips?

On...I don't know.

Dad: Noah, your hair looks pretty!
Noah gives no response
Jessie: Noah, when someone tells you you're pretty you say, 'Thank you'.
Mom: How would you know?