On promises...

Kara: Mom where'd you get that rose ring?
Mom: Dad gave it to me in high school.
Kara: So it's a promise ring?
Mom: No. Other people thought it was a promise ring, everyone asked if it was a promise ring, but no. He said it was NOT a promise ring.

On directions...

GPS said "In 0.4 miles, take ramp right."
Mom, screaming: No, bitch!

On joining in...

Two cars ahead of us are swerving around and driving badly.
Mom: Oh! Look! Road rage!
Jessie: Well then slow down and let them get around you!
Mom: No! I want to be a part of it!

On appearances...

Laura: What is your job, exactly?
Lisa: I'm a neuromuscular genetic counselor.
Laura: Oh. I told someone the other day it was oncology. I knew that was wrong, but I wanted to sound smart.

On sucrose...

Noah: Cookies aren't good for your body!
Laura: Yes they are!
Noah: No they are not!
Laura: They help your hair grow! Look how long my hair is! I eat cookies all the time!

On degenerating conversation...

Mom: Rick! I don't like the new toilet stuff I bought. I usually buy blue, but this time I bought green. I don't like green. I should have bought the blue one.
Laura: So is this what you guys talk about now?

On skillz...

Mom: Try that macaroni and cheese - I made it from scratch.
Laura: Where'd you get the recipe?
Mom: Martha Stewart.
Laura: Ooh. She is one talented bitch.

On ideas...

After a Toyota commercial where a truck drives through fire.


Mom: What was the point of that? Who drives through fire?
Laura: I will, now.

On going green...

Mom: Ugh! All this "going green" crap. Makes me want to go cut down a tree!

On dog breeds...

Mom: Misty had her puppy class yesterday and let me tell you something, west highland terriers are ugly as crap.

On greetings...

Adam calls Jessie's phone, but she's busy. Kara answers. 
Kara: Hi. It's Kara. Don't say anything weird.

On nutritional history...

After watching a Frito Bandito commercial on YouTube.
Mom:  But they don't tell you how bad Fritos are. I remember no talk of how fatening things were.
Kara: We know, Mom. We know.

On internet fame...

Mom: Don't put me on YouTube. I don't want to be there.

On wardrobe acquisition...

Kara: I don't know where I got the shirt. Maybe from Jenna?
Lisa: Well if you got it from Jenna, there's no telling. She probably picked it up off the floor after some guy left it in her room.

On Spoonerisms...

Jenna is describing a book.
Jenna: ...and they didn't have a coroner, so they were waiting for the Peace of Justice.

On potential...

Dad: If it weren't for me, this whole family would be a smoking crater.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSIE!

On barfing...

Misty barfs.
Jenna: Ugh! I just saw it pour out of her face like a faucet!

On whoredom...

Lisa: Everyone knows dance team girls are whores.
Mom: Lisa!
Laura: They are.
Mom: Stop it!
Laura: They are!
Mom: Laura!
Laura: I am.

On intent...

Mom: Jenna left her fish home and told me not to kill him. But I will.

On flatulence...

Jessie and Noah sitting outside on hammock. Noah farts. Thirty seconds pass.
Noah: Mommy, did you fart?
Jessie: NO! You did!
Noah: I did?
Jessie: Yeah.
Noah: I did.