On peds...

Laura: Let's take your scabby legs to get a pedicure.

Lisa: Yeah, you're like a leper.

Mom: No I am not!

Laura: Yes, why do you think the pedicure ladies put on gloves and say (Laura makes concerned Chinese-sounding noises.)

On bake timers...

Laura: Ding! Pies are done.

Mom: No, it's the forty-five min check to see if it's burning. 

Lisa: You have a weird way of cooking

On learning...

Jessie: Where's Noah?

Laura: She went to go see what Grammy's doing. 

Lisa: Isn't Grammy in the shower? 

Laura: Eh, I sent her up there.

On sports terminology...

Laura: She's like the dog fight referee - she's even wearing stripes! "I want a clean fight, nothing above the waist."

Dad: Below the waist. 

Laura: Oh yeah.

On threats...

Laura: If you wake me up for the parade, I will cut off your heels. 

Mom: They'll just grow back, sharper than ever!

On sleeping...

Jenna: That's the scariest place in the house at night.
Lisa: But my room's in the basement. I sleep down there.
Jenna: I could never do it. I don't know how you do. I fear for your life down there... I pray for you every night.

On superior yellow carbs...

Laura: I'm making jalapeño cornbread to go with dinner tomorrow.
Lisa: Come on, I was gonna make cheesy cornbread.
Laura, solemnly: Battle of the cornbreads.

On gross...

Laura lifts her arm and inspects her armpit.
Laura: Hey, want to hear something gross?
Lisa: Does it have anything to do with your armpit?
Laura: Yes, it has to do with my armpit.

On road trips...

Noah: Are we there?
Laura: No, Noah.
Jessie: Do you remember when we went to Florida and we were in the car for a really really long time?
Noah: Yeah...
Laura: This is just like Florida. But the payoff isn't nearly as good.

On topics of conversation...

Laura, Kara, Jenna and Jessie are talking.
Mom: Okay, okay, okay. Let's talk about me and how good my hair looks.

On contracts...

Dad is home from work and Mom is sitting on the couch reading the paper.
Dad: The kids are right! You don't do anything!
Mom: Oh yeah, didn't I tell you? I get snow days.

On tolerance...

Dad, Jenna and Laura are watching a movie with Nazis. Misty is barking at the TV, and getting sprayed with a mister to get her to stop.
Dad: Man, Misty really hates Nazis.
Laura: Can't spray her for that.

On promises...

Kara: Mom where'd you get that rose ring?
Mom: Dad gave it to me in high school.
Kara: So it's a promise ring?
Mom: No. Other people thought it was a promise ring, everyone asked if it was a promise ring, but no. He said it was NOT a promise ring.

On directions...

GPS said "In 0.4 miles, take ramp right."
Mom, screaming: No, bitch!

On joining in...

Two cars ahead of us are swerving around and driving badly.
Mom: Oh! Look! Road rage!
Jessie: Well then slow down and let them get around you!
Mom: No! I want to be a part of it!

On appearances...

Laura: What is your job, exactly?
Lisa: I'm a neuromuscular genetic counselor.
Laura: Oh. I told someone the other day it was oncology. I knew that was wrong, but I wanted to sound smart.

On sucrose...

Noah: Cookies aren't good for your body!
Laura: Yes they are!
Noah: No they are not!
Laura: They help your hair grow! Look how long my hair is! I eat cookies all the time!

On degenerating conversation...

Mom: Rick! I don't like the new toilet stuff I bought. I usually buy blue, but this time I bought green. I don't like green. I should have bought the blue one.
Laura: So is this what you guys talk about now?

On skillz...

Mom: Try that macaroni and cheese - I made it from scratch.
Laura: Where'd you get the recipe?
Mom: Martha Stewart.
Laura: Ooh. She is one talented bitch.

On ideas...

After a Toyota commercial where a truck drives through fire.


Mom: What was the point of that? Who drives through fire?
Laura: I will, now.