On mysteries...

Jessie: Don't boys lift the seats? 

Laura: Don't ask me, you're married to one, I've never even talked to one

On difficulty...

Kara's dancing.

Kara: Laura how hard is this? 

Laura: To watch?

On measuring up...

Mom is standing next to Jessie, who is wearing heels.
Mom: I only come up to Jessie's boob! 
Jessie: Lucky you.

On Alice in Wonderland...

Mom: It's like they were into girls with long narrow faces in this movie.

On gifts...

Jessie: You returned everything I got you.
Laura: You want to dress me like a Duggar.

On tenses...

Laura got up at noon and is going to bed at midnight. Lisa is questioning this practice.

Lisa: You're going to bed? 

Laura: Yes. 

Lisa: Even though you slept till-

Laura: Now? 

Lisa: What? 

Laura: Now, but twelve hours ago. 

Lisa: That's not what now means

On constructive criticism...

Mom: Let's critique the people across from us. Jenna, no mascara today?

On desserts...

Mom: We also have little succulent brownie squares.

Laura: Ew, don't use that word.

Lisa: Those brownies come from a bag in the fridge.

On peds...

Laura: Let's take your scabby legs to get a pedicure.

Lisa: Yeah, you're like a leper.

Mom: No I am not!

Laura: Yes, why do you think the pedicure ladies put on gloves and say (Laura makes concerned Chinese-sounding noises.)

On bake timers...

Laura: Ding! Pies are done.

Mom: No, it's the forty-five min check to see if it's burning. 

Lisa: You have a weird way of cooking

On learning...

Jessie: Where's Noah?

Laura: She went to go see what Grammy's doing. 

Lisa: Isn't Grammy in the shower? 

Laura: Eh, I sent her up there.

On sports terminology...

Laura: She's like the dog fight referee - she's even wearing stripes! "I want a clean fight, nothing above the waist."

Dad: Below the waist. 

Laura: Oh yeah.

On threats...

Laura: If you wake me up for the parade, I will cut off your heels. 

Mom: They'll just grow back, sharper than ever!

On sleeping...

Jenna: That's the scariest place in the house at night.
Lisa: But my room's in the basement. I sleep down there.
Jenna: I could never do it. I don't know how you do. I fear for your life down there... I pray for you every night.

On superior yellow carbs...

Laura: I'm making jalapeño cornbread to go with dinner tomorrow.
Lisa: Come on, I was gonna make cheesy cornbread.
Laura, solemnly: Battle of the cornbreads.

On gross...

Laura lifts her arm and inspects her armpit.
Laura: Hey, want to hear something gross?
Lisa: Does it have anything to do with your armpit?
Laura: Yes, it has to do with my armpit.

On road trips...

Noah: Are we there?
Laura: No, Noah.
Jessie: Do you remember when we went to Florida and we were in the car for a really really long time?
Noah: Yeah...
Laura: This is just like Florida. But the payoff isn't nearly as good.

On topics of conversation...

Laura, Kara, Jenna and Jessie are talking.
Mom: Okay, okay, okay. Let's talk about me and how good my hair looks.

On contracts...

Dad is home from work and Mom is sitting on the couch reading the paper.
Dad: The kids are right! You don't do anything!
Mom: Oh yeah, didn't I tell you? I get snow days.

On tolerance...

Dad, Jenna and Laura are watching a movie with Nazis. Misty is barking at the TV, and getting sprayed with a mister to get her to stop.
Dad: Man, Misty really hates Nazis.
Laura: Can't spray her for that.