On legalities...

Kara pulls a bottle of wine out of the fridge.

Dad: You’re not 21!
Kara: Dad! I”m twenty. And I’m smart. (quietly) Can someone open this for me?

On skanks...

Laura: Doesn’t this teddy bear look seductive? It does! Look how it’s laying!

On changes...

Kara: I don’t think I ever went through puberty.

On dentition...

Noah: Everyone is laughing at me with their... big teeth.

On homophones...

Laura: Did you just fart?
Jenna: I burped.
Laura: Your burps sound like farts.

On timing...

Misty is barking soon after the kids have gone to sleep.

Mom: You think that’s gonna wake those kids up? Maybe in a few hours, but not now. That’s your soundest sleep. Just like Dad. I can run around the room barking and he won’t wake up.

On unexpected shininess...

Laura is angrily yelling about everything.

Kara: Why are you so greasy?
Laura: Sunscreen. And testosterone.

On arrivals...

Kara walks in the door just as Mom is complaining about packing for vacation.

Kara: Is the vacation bitch here?
Mom: Yeah, you just got here.
Lisa: She turned that right around on you.
Kara: Yes, yes she did.

On dreams...

Noah: Mommy, in my dream you gave me a sucker and when I woke up, I didn't have it anymore! Why does that happen?
Jessie: Because dreams aren't real, it's just what you're thinking when you're sleeping.
Noah: Oh. So if I close my eyes more, can I eat it?

On wildlife pronunciation...

Speaking about a leopard...
Jenna: ...and there was a libra...a leo...what?

On musculature...

Lisa: I went running, sort of, on Monday. Then I went to Zumba. So I was pretty sore from running and because dancing uses muscles I don't usually use.
Laura: Your groove muscles?
Lisa: Yeah. They've atrophied.

On precociousness...

Kara and Laura: Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah. Noah.

Noah: no response.

Laura: I think she's ignoring us.

Kara: Huh. Couldn't have predicted that.

On male attire...

Noah jumps on Adam's back like she would a horse.
Jocelyn: Daddy! Noah is sitting on your...dress.

On eternal love...

Laura: Do you want to see who's in bed with me?
Lisa: Uh, okay...
Laura holds up a package of chewy Chips Ahoy cookies.
Laura: You can't beat a love like ours.

On Memories...

A tinfoil ball thrown by Noah whizzes over Adam's head and lands on the table in front of him...
Adam: Who threw that!?! Man, it's like I'm in high school again but it's my kids makin' fun of me.

On growing...

Mom: Haven't I told you this story? When I went and had a physical and came home and Grandpa Satanek was talking about how I weighed 105 lbs and he made up this song 'A hundred and five barrels of CRAP!'...I ran out of the house crying....what I wouldn't give now to weigh 105 lbs!

On Badonkadonks...

Jenna: Mom, you have a huge a.

Mom: I know - Dad always sings that song, 'I like the big girls that have the big butts....and I cannot lie.'

When Dad was questioned later he replied, "I NEVER sing that song."

On Pickles...

Jenna: I hate sweet pickles. It's like they're trying to be candy.

On accountability...

Jenna: What's Jessie doing tomorrow?
Mom: Obviously I don't keep track of her or she wouldn't be pregnant.

On mascots...

Laura: What's the name of the team that Daddy likes?
Jocelyn: ...
Laura: The Green Bay...
Jocelyn: Babies.