On dancing...

Laura: I'm sorry, but if you've been doing dance for two years and you still can't count the music... its time to start playing softball.

On sunscreen...

Alex Trebek: This element is added to sunscreen as the major protective agent.
Laura: SPF!

On florists...

TV: Well, my dad's a florist!
Jenna: Well, my uncle's a florist!
Kara: (blank stare)
Jenna: What? Uncle Ricky's a florist!
Kara: Oh. I thought florists were people who put in floors.

On abbreviations...

Jenna: Wanna get Taco Bell? Do you like it?
Lisa: Yeah, it's dece.
(pause)
Jenna: Two?

On candy dangers...

Kara: Who was that guy in Tommy Boy? The one who acted like Jack Black?
Lisa: Chris Farley.
Kara: He's dead, right? How'd he die?
Lisa: An overdose.
Kara: Drugs?
Lisa: No, candy.
Kara: (solemnly) Candy kills.

On that David Duchovny song...

Mom: Ooh! I know this one! This is that David Doo-glimee one!

On nudity...

Laura: Last night a daddy-long legs saw me naked.

On Carol Burnett...

Laura: Why does she do that?
Mom: She wiggles her ear to let her mother know everything's all right. Everyone knows that.
Lisa: I thought it was her grandmother.
Dad: She pulls her ear to let her grandmother know she's all right.
Mom: Oh.

On computer icons...

Kara: Is the internet icon an e or an i?
Jenna: It's an e for internet, stupid.

On dog toys...

Jenna: We should get one of those indestructible toys for Macks. Then we'd give it to him and he'd destruct it.
Lisa: Destroy it?
Jenna: Shut up.

On drinking...

Lisa: I brought this Peach Schnapps home from Cambridge... you guys want to try it?
[Everyone passes the bottle around, taking a tiny taste]
Kara: I don't want any.
Mom: It's okay, Kara. You can try it.
Everyone: Yeah, Kara, just try a little bit.
Kara: Ok.
[Kara takes a sip.]
Kara: Oh no!
Everyone: What?
Kara: I'm in D.A.R.E.!

On fish...

(While tubing)
Jenna: Mom! A fish just jumped by the tube!
Mom: Well grab it, Jenna.

On quick comebacks...

Jenna: What's wrong with you?
Kara: Same thing that's wrong with you, but more. [pause] Oh, wait.

On flava...

Jenna: Laura, you're weird.
Laura: You're just jealous you ain't got the reggae flava in your bones.

On dinner...

Kara: I hate social studies.
Mom: Well, that's why we're having tacos for dinner.

On broken bones...

Laura: Hi Dad, how are you feeling?
Dad: Ok.
Laura: Can I get you anything?
Dad: Yeah, a new nose.
{Laura exits room}
Dad: Who was that?
Jenna: Laura.

On being polite...

Dad (ending a joke): ...so he says, "Yeah- It's not my cell phone!"
Lisa: Ha, funny. But you know Laura said the ending about one line into your joke?
Dad: She did? The jerk. I'm gonna ruin the next story you try to tell.
Laura: So I was at school and I was about to-
Dad: Laura's a retard!!!! Ha.

On shopping...

Laura: "Out of control purchase!" {Hits Jenna with shopping bag}
Jenna: (Blank stare.)

On homework...

Jenna: What if it's divided by x, like two divided by x?
Laura: Then it's two over x. Two divided by x, you moron.

On swearing...

Mom: Kara, you're only allowed to use the 'a' word when you're referring to a donkey.
Kara: Okay, okay. Mom, you remind me of a donkey's ass.