On future programming...

Lisa: They should make a half-naked male dodgeball channel.
Laura: I'd watch it.

On neighbors...

Mom: Be thankful you live in the woods.
Jessie: Our neighbors have goats.
Adam: No, our neighbors do weird things.
Lisa: Naked things?
Mom: With goats?

Appearing for the first time...

Adam: I like teeth more than I like butts.

On final destinations...

Lisa: Go to hell.
Mom: Hey! We don't want anyone to go to hell. Well, at least not anyone in this room.

On heights...

Jenna (to Mom): Just because you're greedy and short doesn't mean you can take inches from people!

On Superman...so to speak...

Laura: WOULD HE HAVE SUPER SEX?

On felines...

Laura: Not a showgirl cat, she was a can can girl cat.

On standards...

Laura: This Blizzard is gross. The cookie dough tastes like it's old and stale and powdery. Nothing is ever good enough for me.

On talky-talk...

Dad: I need my hoochy-coo.
Lisa: Your whaty-what?
Dad: The mappy thing.
Mom: It's in the flippy-flap.

On vision...

Mom: I can see air. I have to think about it though, because I see it all the time.

On allergies...

Jenna: What's guacamole?
Lisa: It's made out of avocados.
Jenna: I think that's on my list of things I can't eat. Or maybe it was on my chinchilla's list.

On egos...

Laura: Wow, Adam. How can you be so hungry all the time when you're so full of yourself?

On mono...

Laura: So, Mom. How do you feel about Jenna having mono, the kissing disease?
Mom: Well, considering the fact that Kara had it first, not too good.

On humor...

(Jessie finishes telling a bathroom-related story)
Lisa: Wow. How old are you?
Jessie: I like poop jokes.

On prom dresses...

Jenna: Isn't this dress too expensive?
Mom: It's okay. We never had to buy one for Laura.

On likes...

Laura: Hey guys, know what I like? Really wide, flat big-screen tvs.
Lisa: Oh. Hey guys, know what I like? Really big piles of money.

On Superbowls...

Lisa: So, you've been alive for all the Superbowls. What's that like?
Dad: It's been all right.
Mom: What did they do before they had the Superbowl?
Dad: Well... they didn't have a Superbowl.

On thinking...

Laura: I don't really want one of those. They're too rectangular.
Lisa: What do you want? An octahedral camera? Yeah. Think about that.
Laura: ...I can't.

On scents...

Jenna: Look at the purse I got at Victoria's Secret! And it came with these lotions and stuff, in the scent I like.
Lisa: What is it, 'Eau de Whore'?
Mom: (smells the lotion) No, it's 'Slut.'
Lisa: Wow. I think that's the first time you'll be added to the website for being funny, not stupid.

On being cool...

Mom: Kara, drinking doesn't make you cool! You think I drink because I'm cool? No, I drink because I have five kids and they drive me insane!