On the gravy train...

Mom: If I had a dream gravy...
Lisa: No one's supposed to have a dream gravy, fatso.

On Reflexes. . .

Laura takes an entire bowl of ice and dumps it down the front of mom's shirt.
Mom: How did you do that?!
Laura: Oh please, your reflexes are so slow I could have done that three times before you knew what was happening.

On eating...

Jessie: I read that a rule of thumb was to give toddlers as many tablespoons of each food as they are years old, so Noah should get about 1.5 tablespoons of food per meal.
Mom: So that means I can have...

On Beauty. . .

Mom: You know who is so ugly?
Jessie, Jenna & Laura: Who?
Mom: Jessica Sarah Parker!
(Jessie, Jenna & Laura laugh)
Mom: Why, what do you guys call her?

On Time. . .

Laura: My foot hurts really bad.
Mom: Well you should wrap it in an ace bandage.
Laura: No, I wouldn't be able to dance.
Mom: You need to take it easy Laura, you just had surgery two months ago.
Laura: It was not two months ago, it was December.
Mom: (quietly counting on her fingers) December, January, February, March, April, May. It's been five months?!
Laura: Yeah.
Mom: Holy crap! Time flies! Well you dance your little heart out!

On I Am Legend...

Mom: Where is everyone?

Will Smith does pull-ups.
Laura: Woah.
Adam: He's not going down all the way.
Laura: I was talking about his body.

Kara puts her legs on Jenna's legs
Kara: Legs on legs!

Will Smith chases Sam into the dark building.
Mom: Why is there light on his face?
Lisa: Because this is a movie and otherwise we can't see him.

Kara: You smell like a hamster.
Jenna: Oooh!

On her millionth question of the movie...
Mom: Why do we call them zombies?
Dad: Why do you talk?

Mom: Well, what the heck is he wandering around town for, just lookin' for trouble?

Movie: The Dark Seekers got them.
Mom: The dachshund?
Jessie: DARK SEEKERS.
Mom. I thought it was to replace the German Shepard.

Kara: This part is so random. Then again, this whole movie sucks, so...

Mom: It's ending like it started.
Lisa: With trees, dammit.

Kara: She's not even American!

On puppy breath...

Jenna: Dog breast milk is what you're smelling.

Studying with Kara

Dad: ...diplomatic relations-
Kara: Diplomatic? Come on.

Dad: The Soviet Union doesn't exist anymore.
Kara: What? Really?

Dad: Do you know what CIA stands for?
Kara: Crime scene investigators? I shouldn't have said that.

Dad: gives a detailed explanation of the Iraq war.
Kara: So how do we talk to other countries? Calling cards?

Kara: And what was that thing where the president kissed that guy? Or was that All in the Family?

Kara: And what's this neh-roo jacket?
Dad: It's nay-roo.
Kara: So you had one?

Plus one Jessie laughed through on my voicemail that I'm still trying to decipher...

On dreams...

Kara: Laura, you died in my dream last night.
Laura: Oh yeah? How'd I die?
Kara: Well I just finished The Lovely Bones so you were murdered and cut up into a million pieces.
Laura: Could I watch people and stuff?
Kara: I dunno. We had some setup where we could talk twice a week.
Laura: Sweet, what did we talk about? Did I tell you what people were doing?
Kara: Actually I don't think we really took advantage of the talking thing.

On not seeing things...

Jenna: Man, I was watching Armageddon and I've never seen it before, but I had to leave early, and-
Lisa: And you didn't want to miss a thing?

On babies...

Laura: Jenna, how old do you want to be when you have kids?
Jenna: (pause) Nine months from yesterday?

On lists...

Jenna: Mom, you need to sew up that pillow before I can take it.
Mom: Yeah, Jen. It's at the top of my list. Of things I don't give a crap about.

On shopping...

Kara: Let's go to Old Navy, for kicks! And clothes.
Mom: Kara, have you met your dad? Who hates shopping?
Kara: Hi, dad.
Dad: Hi, hun.

On cars...

Jenna: You can't look at a car and know what kind it is and who makes it?
Kara: We're not men, Jenna.

On luck...

Dad: Can you believe how many damn lights I'm hitting?
Kara: Don't cuss - there's a cop over there.

On food...

Laura: I'm hungry!
Kara: That's why we're going out to eat, Fat.

On reading...

Jenna: [A six-year-old family friend] has read four chapters of the first Harry Potter already!
Lisa: Big deal. I read all the chapters of the first Harry Potter.

On Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix...

Mom: Okay, I just want to ask one question without everyone freaking out and yelling and threatening to take the book away from me.
Lisa: This is going to be good. Go.
Mom: What is a horcrux?

Kara: Harry Potter is hot and I'm going to marry Daniel Ratsniff.

Some liberal translations of some HP characters, courtesy of the mother:

Crookshanks = Crankshaw
Nagini = Ninguini (with clam sauce?)
Buckbeak = Beakdrill

Mom: The part I didn't get about the prophecies was why he only had one.
Lisa: What?
Mom: I thought in the book Harry had three of those prophecy things. Harry had three balls.
Jessie: What book were you reading?!

On mixes...

Mom: I saw the cutest dog on the news today. It was a Bichon mix.
Laura: Bichon mixed with what kind of dog?
Mom: Poodle, I think. It was gray.
Lisa: Know what I'd like to see a Bichon mixed with?
Mom: What?
Lisa: A blender.

On inventions...

Laura: (wearing weird sunglasses with white frames).
Lisa: Your sunglasses look like they're made by Apple.
Laura: Yeah, they do!
Lisa: iGlasses.