On missing out...

Mom: Well, we missed Cyber Monday. Whatever that is.

On illumination...

Lisa: You should have more lights put into this damn room.
Laura: Damn right!
Mom: Yeah, damn it!

On colored liquids...

During the new Star Trek movie...

Laura: What is red material?
Dad, immediately: It's Bad Shit! I was hoping someone would ask me that.

On spoiler alerts...

During the new Star Trek movie...

Mom, sarcastic: Guys pay attention! Awesome coolness!

On Spock's mother...

During the new Star Trek movie...
A little background for these next few quotes - Dad really likes Star Trek. Mom really doesn't.

Mom: Oh - sucks to be her.
Dad: It's his mom.
Mom: Oh, sorry. I hate to be insensitive at a time like this.

On interrogation...

Jenna: Noah, did you hide my phone?
Noah: No.
Jenna: Did you touch it?
Noah: Yes.
Jenna: Noah. Where. Is. My. Phone?
Noah: I. Don't. Know.
Kara: All right Noah, cut the crap.
Noah: You cut the crap, Kara!

On ladies...

Adam comes into the girls' room while we're taking turns in the bathroom.
Kara: Why are you in here?
Laura: Yeah, Adam. We're in our night clothes.
Adam: I'm waiting to use the bathroom.
Kara: Me too. You'd better hurry. I have to change my tamp.
Adam: shakes his head.

On hunger...

Dad: No food for you.
Laura: I'm picking it up!
Dad: Still.
Laura: I'll park and eat everyone's.

On ingenuity...

Laura: Yeah Mom - shimmy under that gate and see what you can scrap up.
Mom: Like the Pokey Little Puppy?

On retribution...

Camera flashes.
Mom: What are you doing?
Laura: Texting a picture of Lisa's middle finger to Kara.
Mom: She deserves that.

On changes...

Lisa: This is a race now.
Laura: Yeah, kick their ass!
Dad: Laura!
Laura: What? Dad, we cuss now.
Dad: Yeah my kids swear and mother buys wine for college kids.

On mall cops...

Mom: He will arrest your ass.

On rights...

Mom: If we switch cars they're gonna make me sit in the back! I don't want to sit in the back!
Dad: You're the adult. You get to pick.
Mom: Thank you!

On manstruation...

Discussing Dad's menstrual cycle.
Lisa: You're gonna get a punch right in the head.
Laura: I'll deserve it.

On promises...

Laura: Would you get a dog Moo's size?
Mom: Don't even talk about another dog. Madi's going to live another ten years.
Laura: If she's not dead by eleven I'll kill her myself.

On comiseration...

Laura: FML. FYL. FOL.

On etiquette...

Jenna changes in to her pajamas.
Laura: Girl, how you gonna be a whore in your GRANDMA'S House!?!?

On Donald's agent...

Noah sees a picture of Mickey Mouse, Goofy and Donald Duck.
Noah: Look! It's Mickey and Goofy and a little chicken!

On substitutions...

Jessie: Adam, did you bring in the girls' cups?
Adam: No, but I brought in the pack and play. Does that get me off the hook?

On limitations...

Noah: Daddy you're not a princess! You're not wearing a skirt!
Dad: That's the only thing holding you back, Adam.