On dog breeds...

Mom: Misty had her puppy class yesterday and let me tell you something, west highland terriers are ugly as crap.

On greetings...

Adam calls Jessie's phone, but she's busy. Kara answers. 
Kara: Hi. It's Kara. Don't say anything weird.

On nutritional history...

After watching a Frito Bandito commercial on YouTube.
Mom:  But they don't tell you how bad Fritos are. I remember no talk of how fatening things were.
Kara: We know, Mom. We know.

On internet fame...

Mom: Don't put me on YouTube. I don't want to be there.

On wardrobe acquisition...

Kara: I don't know where I got the shirt. Maybe from Jenna?
Lisa: Well if you got it from Jenna, there's no telling. She probably picked it up off the floor after some guy left it in her room.

On Spoonerisms...

Jenna is describing a book.
Jenna: ...and they didn't have a coroner, so they were waiting for the Peace of Justice.

On potential...

Dad: If it weren't for me, this whole family would be a smoking crater.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSIE!

On barfing...

Misty barfs.
Jenna: Ugh! I just saw it pour out of her face like a faucet!

On whoredom...

Lisa: Everyone knows dance team girls are whores.
Mom: Lisa!
Laura: They are.
Mom: Stop it!
Laura: They are!
Mom: Laura!
Laura: I am.

On intent...

Mom: Jenna left her fish home and told me not to kill him. But I will.

On flatulence...

Jessie and Noah sitting outside on hammock. Noah farts. Thirty seconds pass.
Noah: Mommy, did you fart?
Jessie: NO! You did!
Noah: I did?
Jessie: Yeah.
Noah: I did.

On Bad Days...

Dad: What's the phrase? FOL? F my L?
Laura: FML!
Dad: FML. Squared!

On timing meals...

At 9:00 am:
Noah: Daddy, can I have some candy after lunch?
Adam: Yes, Noah. After lunch.
Pause.
Noah: Daddy? Can you make my lunch now?

On Phonics...

Mom: It should be "Ex-Zavier"
Laura: So you're saying it should also be "Ex-Zylophone"?
Mom: Oh I don't like that word. And I don't like the thing. It doesn't have to be a part of my life.

On Vocabulary...

Jenna: . . . and it was pendulating.
Laura: You mean 'undulating'?
Jenna: WHAT?! Is that even a word?
Kara: She didn't mean undulating. I've never even heard that before.
Jenna: I know, right? I meant pendulating.
Kara: Oh. Like a pendulum!
Jenna: I'm on track with that.

On Driving...

Kara: Ugh. I can't even tell where the road is. I really need to start wearing glasses at night when I drive.
Laura: Wow. That's really comforting as I'm sitting shotgun. In my own car. FML.

On priorities...

Kara: Did you see the last episode of Grey's?
Lisa: Yeah, I liked it more than usual. It was more about interesting medical stuff than the doctors trying to find someone on staff they haven't slept with yet.
Kara: Oh. I think we watch that show for different reasons.

On hoarding...

Mom: Rick, don't throw away these almond containers! I keep these!
Dad: Oh, sorry.
Lisa: Dad, if you throw all her stuff away she'll never get to be on Hoarders.
Mom: Yeah!

On child development...

Lisa: What if instead of the Easter Bunny, you told kids that there was an Easter Monkey? It'd be so easy to mess kids up.

On eating...

Jenna: Yeah, the outsides are brown but the middle will be all raw and gloppy.
Dad: Well I can eat the middle then.
Jenna: Dad, I'm not worried. You eat anything.