On gross...

Laura lifts her arm and inspects her armpit.
Laura: Hey, want to hear something gross?
Lisa: Does it have anything to do with your armpit?
Laura: Yes, it has to do with my armpit.

On road trips...

Noah: Are we there?
Laura: No, Noah.
Jessie: Do you remember when we went to Florida and we were in the car for a really really long time?
Noah: Yeah...
Laura: This is just like Florida. But the payoff isn't nearly as good.

On topics of conversation...

Laura, Kara, Jenna and Jessie are talking.
Mom: Okay, okay, okay. Let's talk about me and how good my hair looks.

On contracts...

Dad is home from work and Mom is sitting on the couch reading the paper.
Dad: The kids are right! You don't do anything!
Mom: Oh yeah, didn't I tell you? I get snow days.

On tolerance...

Dad, Jenna and Laura are watching a movie with Nazis. Misty is barking at the TV, and getting sprayed with a mister to get her to stop.
Dad: Man, Misty really hates Nazis.
Laura: Can't spray her for that.

On promises...

Kara: Mom where'd you get that rose ring?
Mom: Dad gave it to me in high school.
Kara: So it's a promise ring?
Mom: No. Other people thought it was a promise ring, everyone asked if it was a promise ring, but no. He said it was NOT a promise ring.

On directions...

GPS said "In 0.4 miles, take ramp right."
Mom, screaming: No, bitch!

On joining in...

Two cars ahead of us are swerving around and driving badly.
Mom: Oh! Look! Road rage!
Jessie: Well then slow down and let them get around you!
Mom: No! I want to be a part of it!

On appearances...

Laura: What is your job, exactly?
Lisa: I'm a neuromuscular genetic counselor.
Laura: Oh. I told someone the other day it was oncology. I knew that was wrong, but I wanted to sound smart.

On sucrose...

Noah: Cookies aren't good for your body!
Laura: Yes they are!
Noah: No they are not!
Laura: They help your hair grow! Look how long my hair is! I eat cookies all the time!

On degenerating conversation...

Mom: Rick! I don't like the new toilet stuff I bought. I usually buy blue, but this time I bought green. I don't like green. I should have bought the blue one.
Laura: So is this what you guys talk about now?

On skillz...

Mom: Try that macaroni and cheese - I made it from scratch.
Laura: Where'd you get the recipe?
Mom: Martha Stewart.
Laura: Ooh. She is one talented bitch.

On ideas...

After a Toyota commercial where a truck drives through fire.


Mom: What was the point of that? Who drives through fire?
Laura: I will, now.

On going green...

Mom: Ugh! All this "going green" crap. Makes me want to go cut down a tree!

On dog breeds...

Mom: Misty had her puppy class yesterday and let me tell you something, west highland terriers are ugly as crap.

On greetings...

Adam calls Jessie's phone, but she's busy. Kara answers. 
Kara: Hi. It's Kara. Don't say anything weird.

On nutritional history...

After watching a Frito Bandito commercial on YouTube.
Mom:  But they don't tell you how bad Fritos are. I remember no talk of how fatening things were.
Kara: We know, Mom. We know.

On internet fame...

Mom: Don't put me on YouTube. I don't want to be there.

On wardrobe acquisition...

Kara: I don't know where I got the shirt. Maybe from Jenna?
Lisa: Well if you got it from Jenna, there's no telling. She probably picked it up off the floor after some guy left it in her room.

On Spoonerisms...

Jenna is describing a book.
Jenna: ...and they didn't have a coroner, so they were waiting for the Peace of Justice.