On new developments...

Mom: I just keep finding hairs on my chest!

On repitition...

Lisa: People always repeat themselves in movies, and no one does that in real life. Except for me. Except... for me.

On speed limits...

Mom: Come on! The speed limit is 45, not 'feel free to stop and look at Reggie's!'

On cats...

Mom: How would you like to have a cat flung at your head?

On phones...

Laura: That's my thing lately, when I'm sick of talking on the phone, I just say, ''Kay, bye!'
Lisa: Then they hang up and talk about what a jerk you are.
Laura: But I'm off the phone, and that's really the point, isn't it?

On bras...

Jessie: Have you ever seen a 'D' bra?
Lisa: Yeah, it's like a couple of feed bags.

On The X-Files Movie...

Mom: That's why you never go down a hole. Don't go down there! Right, Rick? 'Cuz you think they're your friends and then they cover it with dirt! Ugh.


Mom: That's why any corn that's not frozen in a bag is dangerous.


Mom: Yeah, asses! I never saw 'ass' pluralized like that. I like it. It's like 'gases.'


Mom: You guys, I can't stay up this late! In a half an hour, I'm the Easter Bunny!


Mom: He's not gonna kill you. He likes you! That's why he told you everything and helped you find Scully. Well, I don't know. He might blow your brains out.


Lisa: Hey, Jenna- do you know what GPS stands for?
Jenna: Global... positioning...
Jessie: PSYCHO! Heh.


Mom: Why don't you keep your aliens in a nice place?


Mom: This could be going on in our own backyard and we wouldn't even know it! But I'd know it first. Because I garden.


Mom: (gasp) It's a reversal of roles! (nods knowingly)


Mom: I think it's neat that corn has tassles.


Jessie: Man, tell me some of these things before you say them!
Mom: I say weird things when I'm tired.
Lisa: You sound like you're drunk.
Mom: I'm drunk on life.

On feeding time...

Mom: (calling from her cell phone from the main floor) What are you doing?
Lisa: (in basement on her cell phone) Typing. Why?
Mom: (ten feet above Lisa's head) It sounds like gremlins eating out of a bowl.
Lisa: (a five second walk down the stairs) It sounds like what?
Mom: (seriously calling a location she is technically already at) If I ever make a movie and need sounds for gremlins eating out a bowl, I'm gonna call you.

On accessories...

Lisa: So you're buying clothes at Wal*Mart now, too?
Jessie: Yeah! It's a poncho, but it has this big ugly flower attached to it.
Lisa: Funny- I would have said that the flower had a big ugly poncho attached to it.

On natural beauties...

Kara: Wow- look how pretty I am in that picture. I don't need any makeup. Look at those eyes!

On beans...

Mom: You know, these are good cold, right out of the can.
Lisa: Gross. But that'd make you a really good hobo.
Mom: I've thought that before. Me and my beans by the side of the railroad track, carrying my stick with a hankerchief on it. Hobo Debbie.

On shoes...

Lisa: Yeah, but those shoes are ugly.
Mom: Well, some are pretty and some are ugly. Just like people. Jenna?
Jenna: Huh?

On church...

Mom: Man, we just came outta church and I hate everybody. Oh- sorry. Pray for me.

On eew...

Mom: Wow! Look at this long hair that I just pulled out of my foot!

On super powers...

Mom: Who did I look like just then?
Jessie: Uh, Spiderman?
Mom: Yes. Although it would be very ironic if I was Spiderman. Because I hate spiders.
Lisa: And also because you're a woman.
Mom: That too. And I can tell you one thing, I wouldn't be flying around the city like he was in that movie if I knew my web was gonna run out. That was just stupid. I tell ya what I'd do, I'd just stay safe in my laundry room. Doin' laundry. And fft! hanging up clothes on webs. Fft! Hang. Fft! Hang. And Rick would come home, and say "Hey! I can't get in the house! The room is full of webs! And clothes." And I'd be like, "Hello! Yes, because I'm Spiderman, and I'm doing laundry!" Fft!

On blatant lies...

Jenna: How long is the Tour de France?
Kara: I don't know.
Jenna: I know, I wasn't asking you.
Kara: It's one hundred and four miles. [loud stage whisper] That's not true. I just wanna see how it will play out.

On classic stories...

Jenna: It's like one of those trees from The Thorax!
Lisa: Uh, The Lorax?

On kids...

Mom: RICK! I don't like some of the kids that we've had!

On horns...

Jenna: I don't think I've ever heard your horn. Honk it!
Lisa honks it
Jenna: Aw, that's so cute!
Lisa: No, it's not cute. It's fearsome and authoritative.
Jenna: SO cute.

On studying...

Lisa: This is why I hate helping you study.
Kara: Why?
Lisa: Because you don't know anything!